Bring Penny Jars to Big 5!

In order to make amends for its publicized failure recently to accept a few dollars in nickels and dimes from a young customer, Big 5 Sporting Goods wants to make things right.  Today, all stores encourage you to drop by with jars of pennies!  That's right.  They'll not only count all of your coins, but they'll provide exceptional customer service to ensure you find just the right Mother's Day item--like maybe some golf clubs or athletic supporter?  Hope you can stop by!


Disclaimer: Joke, people.

Literary Agent Services (New!)

Since I have no experience in the field of literary promotions, I've decided to follow the current trend for English majors living in their parents' basements and become a literary agent!  


It just wouldn't feel right if I didn't begin my exciting venture with lengthy submission requirements.  Please be sure to read these requirements in their entirety before sending me anything--unless you select to become a "Gold Level" client, in which case you can skip straight to the PayPal link.


(Restless Auditor Literary Agent Representation and Editorial Harassment Services, LLC)


"Submission" Requirements (not valid in Idaho or some parts of North Dakota or Dallas, TX.).


1.  We accept literary submissions only in the fields we represent.  Currently, we represent ______ and fiction. 


2.  Given my busy schedule, please first summarize your work in no less than twenty pages.


3.  Please provide character sketches for any character found within the work (whether minor, major, or just dabbling). 


4.  What other great ideas do you have for creative fiction?


5.  Have you got any new product ideas you haven't yet patented?  Examples and diagrams are fine.


6.  Where did your mother and father first meet?


7.  Please provide your mother's maiden name(s) and bank card PIN?


8.  Why do you think I am the best literary agent to represent your fine work?


9. Please create an article exploring the threat rabbits and kittens pose to our quality of life.  (Important test question!)


10.  Grammar are very important to.  Please insure to check that what you say is clear and excise!  Don't waste my time with typos and spellings error.  (Automatic cause for rejection and possible execution.)




Please e-mail your complete submission packet to iamacompleteidiot@restlessauditor.qwrp.  Expect a response within a year.  (Please no simultaneous submissions; bear in mind that all other agents are evil.  Also, please don't contact me directly under any circumstances unless you have waited at least a year.)




Interested in Gold Level client status?  Of course, you are!  Your time is important, isn't it?


Please select my PayPal account and send me $500.  This deposit ensures that I will be available to call you as soon as the next commercial break comes along.  Yes, as a Gold Level Member in good standing, you will speak to me personally--unless Frank answers or you hit my voicemail.  Either way, though, rest assured that your message will likely reach me.  


Now, this $500 will only be used to cover my personal expenses and gambling addiction, so, if any charges are accrued in your representation...you're out of here!  




Please be sure that you have read the above very carefully.  (If William P. Young is reading this, best hire an editor, too!)




At this time, we are currently not accepting new clients.


PS.  This is a joke people.  (This is for JK.)

Patricia Krentcil, Not Just Another Pretty Face

In exciting news, Patricia Krentcil today becomes the new spokesperson for the tanning industry!  You might be surprised to hear that she's actually eighteen years-old!  Tanning has given her skin a unique quality, and she's going to share her tanning addiction with the world! 

In related news, Patricia is also considering a spokesperson opportunity for the American Academy of Dermatology!  I hope she can teach us all about the importance of proper skin care.  Way to go, Pat!  

Well, time for me to head the tanning bed.  We'll be sure to keep the bright lights focused upon this important topic!

   

Recycle, Reuse, & Reduce--with Kitty Litter Crafts!

You don't have to be a a successful auditor to recognize that the three Rs don't only apply to great (recycled) Twitter and Facebook content!  They pertain to every facet of your life--from toilet water to drinking water.  (Not just for Fido anymore.)  In fact, many people never even notice the water we serve visitors to the office.  "This water is so fresh," they'll often exclaim.  It's amazing what some good refrigeration will accomplish.  Truth be known, sometimes we also run the water through a coffee filter to remove "particulates."

Here's an idea to make your life more sustainable and--reduce your carbon noseprint!  Use kitty litter to make your Christmas gifts.  That's right, kitty litter isn't just a great potpourrrri (get it?).  It also makes a wonderful gift.  Here's how to make it so.

1.  Rinse kitty litter in fresh toilet water.

2.  Use food coloring to make the appearance more appealing!

3.  Sprinkle with cinnamon and vanilla for an aromatic dimension. 

4.  Mold into fun animal shapes and patterns!

5.  Bake in oven for 20 minutes at 400 degrees.

6.  Leave house for a while.  

7.  Return and open windows.  Turn on fans.

8.  Enjoy kitty litter animals and other fun-filled creations.  (They smell interesting, too!) 

9.  Repeat (as desired) to keep the earth all happy and content.




Bonus tip:  Kitty Litter Crafts make a wonderful discussion in interview settings.  It helps break the ice, as well as demonstrates that you care about the environment as much as you care about your cat!  You're sure to be hired fast!


Parted (and Unparted) Thoughts:

Thanks to SNL for doing the cat litter skit some years ago that sparked the idea for the RRR angle.  Also, this article has been picked-up in at least one online publication, which makes me feel it necessary to say yet again...  It's a joke, people!
 

Cuz Merle Butler Hits it Big!

You may know him simply as the big jackpot winner named Merle Butler of bustling Red Bud, Illinois, but he'll always be Big Merle to me.  You see, he's my dear cuz--actually four times removed and one time returned (on Jake's side).


Years may pass me by, but I will never forget all that time we spent together doing stuff in that one place by the thing.  Yes, those memories are indelibly stamped, written, and etched  into my brain--like accounting thingies.


Perhaps this windfall blessing might place you (Merle) in a position to help with the care of our 25 year-old feral cat, YumYum.  You see, she has been stricken with cat diseases and stuff.  She also has type B fur balls, which are very expensive to correct and may require both cat psychotherapy and aroma therapy.   We just learned the state doesn't cover the live-in (young) nurse, so that might have to come from the entertainment fund. Otherwise, we might not be able to keep Frank...I mean the cat, YumYee.  She also wants a small, flightless bird--with a long bow and string, and maybe cat bells.


So, Merle, if you're reading this, I trust you remember your good friend who wore glasses and often a shirt and pants?  You may remember me with either blond or dark hair.  (It's a long story, but my sister was taking beautician classes at the time.)  Yes, that was me!  If indeed you recall your friend of indeterminate age and race, I hope you will keep your long lost cousin in your thoughts.  


After all, it was hard to be compelled to leave the beauty and graceful majesty of Red Bud for the big city of Burksville Station that one time when I saw you last--in front of that building we knew so well.  Talk about a tragic day!  How could we ever forget, right?  Hope we can get together and...talk about old times.  E-mail's fine, too.  Want my PayPal number?


PS.  I have not told anyone about what you buried north of town that one night in 1982--because I wasn't involved, or anything.

Dealing with Agreeable People (Puffy Face Method)

Almost as distressing as "Dealing with Difficult People" is  addressing agreeable people.  Let's face it, it's hard to make some chatty people (Frank) stop talking.  Many times this takes the form of "social interaction," which I strongly frown upon.  A relative of mine learned that suddenly beginning to disrobe produced an interesting effect, yet I have not yet managed to adapt this technique successfully as yet.  (It might have something to do with the padlocks.)


So, you're in a social situation and an attractive person approaches you, completely invading your bubble of privacy.  What do you do?  I sometimes will take my (circa 1990s) cell phone and proceed to "pretend" to dial myself.  Truth be known, however, this whole act is somewhat confusing to me, and I have been known to create situations where I've stopped talking to myself for days--literally.


Ashley Judd's whole puffy face controversy thing recently gave me a great idea.  I now carry a small container of yellow jackets.  (As long as you feed them from time to time, they do fine.)  As soon as the troubling social situation presents itself, I nonchalantly open the vial and press it against my face.  Usually, after several "applications" my bee allergy kicks in!  My face gets super puffy and my breathing starts to get obstructed.  After I stab myself repeatedly with the EpiPen, I soon am feeling much better.  During this period of time, the annoying person usually moves off.  


Admittedly, a "do-gooder" sometimes pesters me with questions about calling 911, the doctor, etc, but that's why I carry the second vial of bees!  (This also works well with jelly fish, but it can be a little more cumbersome to carry the tank.)


My technique may not work for everyone, but I am sure it will work for you.  Try today!

Dealing with Difficult People

These people can be difficult.  Best not to approach them, but tripping them in hallway is fine.  Should they fall, blame the person next to you.  If there is no one next to you, best to run quickly!  Be cautious about tripping football players, as ouchies have been known to result.  Stay tuned for more exciting updates--coming soon!