Too Much Hype?

Don't you hate it when people, lacking something substantive to say, just fill the air or internet with hype?  It's like those websites that bring you in for something good--like Restless Auditor coffee--only to turn around and try to sell you noserings.  


Well, rest assurred, we here at the Restless Auditor don't care about hype or popularity.  We're just here to try to bring you to a fuller and richer (work at home) understanding of the mysterious world of accounting (online classes available).  Don't bother calling us (we'll call you, operators standing by), Johnny-come-latelies, because that doesn't matter to us one little bit.  We have our integrity, after all (Restless Auditor evening wear and fragrances now available!).  


The List of Absolutely No Trendy Hype Stuff

3.	patrice o neal.
4.	rudolph the red nose...
5.	jacksonville jaguars
6.	amr
7.	chapter 11 bankruptc...
8.	facebook ipo
9.	ndamukong suh
10.	osteopathy
11.	conrad murray
12.	made in america
13.	wayne gretzky
14.	joran van der sloot
15.	heaven is for real
16.	syracuse basketball
17.	barney frank
18.	tori spelling
19.	icam
20.	diphtheria

Herman Cain to Take the Helm...of Dating Website

Given Herman Cain's apparent talent for dating high numbers of women, today's announcement that he will head the new dating website, known simply as the Social Network Thingamabobber, should come as little surprise.  After all, he is the expert.  Sources close to him (currently at least ten different women) report he will introduce the exciting 10/10/10 program for the dating site: a small ten dollar investment yields ten dates (must take all dates within a week) plus your choice--either Herman's new date simulation game for the PS3 or his new bumper sticker: I Dated Herman Cain, too!  Wow!  If you're single, be sure to contact Herman today for relationship advice.  He's ready to help you become the prolific dater you were meant to be.


...Don't miss the next episode of the Restless Auditor in which I reveal the shocking truth about my cousin's best friend's older sister's own relationship with Mr. Cain!      

Cross Blog Pollination?

Just a note that my regular and (usually) more serious blog is entitled Singing in the Wood.  Hope you can drop by!

Quietly Blowing-up Small Animals

I am very fortunate in that a number of my co-workers in the wide world of auditing are very concerned about the well being of animals. That is, they want the animals to taste delicious. That's right...I work with HUNTERS. This is surprising, since we are usually so concerned with avoiding loud noises and any potential ouchies. A number of my brave co-workers have been known to advance fearlessly into the dark forests to blast small furry creatures with high powered weapons that make loud boom-boom noises.

This being the sad state of affairs, a number of woodland creatures have recently approached me to inquire about whether there is a season on people. After exhaustive research on the topic, I advised them that I was afraid there was no such season in our particular area. They were all quite disgusted with this and left without so much as a thank you. That annoyed me, so....I took out the shotgun. Let's just say we're going to all eat well tonight.

PS. I heard that there was a game of some kind going on today. This is indeed true. I happen to be a Saints fan myself. It is my semi-professional opinion that, if they watch their free throws and maintain the home run average, they may indeed have a shot at the Pennant.

Ghostwriting my Next Autobiography

Sitting on the neighbor's horse the other day (an animal said to require daily chiropractic care now), a glimmer of an idea sparked somewhere in my ankle. Days followed days, weeks followed weeks, lawyers followed ambulances. After a great deal of thought and cat spinning (heads I go ahead, tails I spin again), I’ve decided to move ahead on ghostwriting my autobiography: There, and Lost Again. I’m never easy on those who work for me, however, and I am sure to be no exception. You see, I plan to perform this ghostwriting endeavor as a contractor to myself. At least, that’s my plan. I’ll start out with a detailed outline, goal, theme, literary allusions, namedropping, small animal sketches, etc, then, a month before the deadline, I’ll drop a literary bomb on the poor sucker.

I’ll call him/I up on the speaker phone. We’ll chat for a while, as we often do truth be known, then I’ll launch the literary “rocket bomb,” as Orwell might have called it. Here’s what I’ll likely say to the poor sot.

“Okay, ----, I see that you’ve worked very hard on this. While I appreciate your efforts, I’m afraid I’ve had a change of mind. Instead of an autobiography of me, what I really wanted was me writing an autobiography of my cat, Buttercup. Here’s what I want you to cover in great detail—“

“How can I write an autobiography of a cat, and don’t you mean biography? “

I chuckle to myself. I’ve got him precisely where I want him. “No,” I retort, “I want it from the cat’s perspective. You’ve heard of cat stream of consciousness, haven’t you? Haven’t you ever read Farrah Faulkner’s I Got Cats ?

It’s true at this point, I may encounter an injury or two, but it will be worth it to teach this numb skull a valuable life lesson: don’t trust anyone, least of all yourself.

That's all folks. Remember to tune in next time for... "Take Your Blog to Work Day."

Too Much Cash?

One hard part about being an auditor is that you're exposed to the sad financial affairs of so many people. It's shocking, disturbing, and mildly sickening to see how many people struggle with their finances. After all, what do you do if you have everything you need, but the checkbook remains always full; it's terrible.

Sure, we know that not everyone has too much money to spend comfortably on their own, but what about your neighbor, your uncle....you? This isn't always someone else's problem. If you find yourself lying awake at night wondering what on earth you can do with all your cash (or the buried krugerrands), who you gonna call?

Well, it so happens that today, I have the answer to this troubling dilemma--or trilemma, depending on the number of gold coins you're holding. Don't wait for the US financial system to collapse, address your spending deficits today by calling us at Bubba's Cash Be Gone toll free number (or spend some of that money and call us on the regular line). We at Cash Be Gone care about you, our lucrative (and, truth be know, somewhat ecentric) customers.

Here are some actual glowing references from our many past clients.

"Frank"

My name is ---- ------. I used to be a big shot -------. The money, it was always there, bothering me. In the middle of the night, I'd wake up and try to figure out what I could possibly do with it all. Also, sometimes it would say things to me--and they weren't always nice things. From being a nervous wreck in my posh upper West Side condo, I went to this soup kitchen in just a week after making the call to Cash Be Gone. Thanks, Cash Be Gone. You made a believer out of me!

"Margot"

Hi, my name is ------- -------. Hi, my name is ----- -----. Wait, that's not right. Well, anyway. I have one or two memory problems. My money was causing a lot of family friction for me. My kids were out to get me and all. So, I called Cash Be Gone for help. I asked... Do I have to take out all the cash myself, or can you carry it out for me? They came and took it all. Well, I think they did. It's all a little fuzzy now. Hi, my name is...

"Guido"

You know that feeling after you've eliminated a long-time thorn in your side? You can't take it anymore, so you just get down to business with your trusty ol' 357? Bada Bing! That's similar to the warm and happy feelings I experienced after my first call to my close and personal friends at Cash Be Gone. Truth be known, they're like my family. It's almost like Mama was still around. Yes, they took care of everything for me. I live a simpler life now. In fact, I live in the back of a friend's van, but I'm good with it. No more worries. Thanks Cash Be Gone.

To all of our customers, you're welcome. Let us help you help yourself by taking away all the temptations and trouble cash can bring to a family. We'll take it off your hands for free--well, sort of. As my co-founder, Stephen, likes to say, we go the extra mile to invest and quickly dispose of your money--so you don't have to.

Even Auditors Get Sick

...Well, not really, but we have to put on a show somtimes in order to avoid arousing suspicion. You see, with our sharply-tuned auditor senses and above average health, we seldom have time for illness. Still, I made an exception recently and made an appointment with my doctor. The bewildering thing was that they said my appointment was at such and such a time, but arrive fifteen minutes early.

Of course, this made my head swim with its implications. Suppose your appointment is at 1:30, and the nurse says to arrive fifteen minutes early--that's 1:15, right? You still following this? So, instead, I suggest that they say your appointment is at 1:15, but please arrive fifteen minutes late. Anyone can be late...so, I'm sure that's the answer to help doctors and nurses increase efficiency.

Also, don't you just enjoy playing fun mind games with your doctors' staff? I know I do. If they call your name forty-five minutes late, you hand them a bill for your time. Be sure to point out, though, that you gave them the first fifteen minutes free. They really seem to enjoy this.