Literary Agent Services (New!)

Since I have no experience in the field of literary promotions, I've decided to follow the current trend for English majors living in their parents' basements and become a literary agent!  


It just wouldn't feel right if I didn't begin my exciting venture with lengthy submission requirements.  Please be sure to read these requirements in their entirety before sending me anything--unless you select to become a "Gold Level" client, in which case you can skip straight to the PayPal link.


(Restless Auditor Literary Agent Representation and Editorial Harassment Services, LLC)


"Submission" Requirements (not valid in Idaho or some parts of North Dakota or Dallas, TX.).


1.  We accept literary submissions only in the fields we represent.  Currently, we represent ______ and fiction. 


2.  Given my busy schedule, please first summarize your work in no less than twenty pages.


3.  Please provide character sketches for any character found within the work (whether minor, major, or just dabbling). 


4.  What other great ideas do you have for creative fiction?


5.  Have you got any new product ideas you haven't yet patented?  Examples and diagrams are fine.


6.  Where did your mother and father first meet?


7.  Please provide your mother's maiden name(s) and bank card PIN?


8.  Why do you think I am the best literary agent to represent your fine work?


9. Please create an article exploring the threat rabbits and kittens pose to our quality of life.  (Important test question!)


10.  Grammar are very important to.  Please insure to check that what you say is clear and excise!  Don't waste my time with typos and spellings error.  (Automatic cause for rejection and possible execution.)




Please e-mail your complete submission packet to iamacompleteidiot@restlessauditor.qwrp.  Expect a response within a year.  (Please no simultaneous submissions; bear in mind that all other agents are evil.  Also, please don't contact me directly under any circumstances unless you have waited at least a year.)




Interested in Gold Level client status?  Of course, you are!  Your time is important, isn't it?


Please select my PayPal account and send me $500.  This deposit ensures that I will be available to call you as soon as the next commercial break comes along.  Yes, as a Gold Level Member in good standing, you will speak to me personally--unless Frank answers or you hit my voicemail.  Either way, though, rest assured that your message will likely reach me.  


Now, this $500 will only be used to cover my personal expenses and gambling addiction, so, if any charges are accrued in your representation...you're out of here!  




Please be sure that you have read the above very carefully.  (If William P. Young is reading this, best hire an editor, too!)




At this time, we are currently not accepting new clients.


PS.  This is a joke people.  (This is for JK.)