Recycle, Reuse, & Reduce--with Kitty Litter Crafts!

You don't have to be a a successful auditor to recognize that the three Rs don't only apply to great (recycled) Twitter and Facebook content!  They pertain to every facet of your life--from toilet water to drinking water.  (Not just for Fido anymore.)  In fact, many people never even notice the water we serve visitors to the office.  "This water is so fresh," they'll often exclaim.  It's amazing what some good refrigeration will accomplish.  Truth be known, sometimes we also run the water through a coffee filter to remove "particulates."

Here's an idea to make your life more sustainable and--reduce your carbon noseprint!  Use kitty litter to make your Christmas gifts.  That's right, kitty litter isn't just a great potpourrrri (get it?).  It also makes a wonderful gift.  Here's how to make it so.

1.  Rinse kitty litter in fresh toilet water.

2.  Use food coloring to make the appearance more appealing!

3.  Sprinkle with cinnamon and vanilla for an aromatic dimension. 

4.  Mold into fun animal shapes and patterns!

5.  Bake in oven for 20 minutes at 400 degrees.

6.  Leave house for a while.  

7.  Return and open windows.  Turn on fans.

8.  Enjoy kitty litter animals and other fun-filled creations.  (They smell interesting, too!) 

9.  Repeat (as desired) to keep the earth all happy and content.




Bonus tip:  Kitty Litter Crafts make a wonderful discussion in interview settings.  It helps break the ice, as well as demonstrates that you care about the environment as much as you care about your cat!  You're sure to be hired fast!


Parted (and Unparted) Thoughts:

Thanks to SNL for doing the cat litter skit some years ago that sparked the idea for the RRR angle.  Also, this article has been picked-up in at least one online publication, which makes me feel it necessary to say yet again...  It's a joke, people!
 

Cuz Merle Butler Hits it Big!

You may know him simply as the big jackpot winner named Merle Butler of bustling Red Bud, Illinois, but he'll always be Big Merle to me.  You see, he's my dear cuz--actually four times removed and one time returned (on Jake's side).


Years may pass me by, but I will never forget all that time we spent together doing stuff in that one place by the thing.  Yes, those memories are indelibly stamped, written, and etched  into my brain--like accounting thingies.


Perhaps this windfall blessing might place you (Merle) in a position to help with the care of our 25 year-old feral cat, YumYum.  You see, she has been stricken with cat diseases and stuff.  She also has type B fur balls, which are very expensive to correct and may require both cat psychotherapy and aroma therapy.   We just learned the state doesn't cover the live-in (young) nurse, so that might have to come from the entertainment fund. Otherwise, we might not be able to keep Frank...I mean the cat, YumYee.  She also wants a small, flightless bird--with a long bow and string, and maybe cat bells.


So, Merle, if you're reading this, I trust you remember your good friend who wore glasses and often a shirt and pants?  You may remember me with either blond or dark hair.  (It's a long story, but my sister was taking beautician classes at the time.)  Yes, that was me!  If indeed you recall your friend of indeterminate age and race, I hope you will keep your long lost cousin in your thoughts.  


After all, it was hard to be compelled to leave the beauty and graceful majesty of Red Bud for the big city of Burksville Station that one time when I saw you last--in front of that building we knew so well.  Talk about a tragic day!  How could we ever forget, right?  Hope we can get together and...talk about old times.  E-mail's fine, too.  Want my PayPal number?


PS.  I have not told anyone about what you buried north of town that one night in 1982--because I wasn't involved, or anything.

Dealing with Agreeable People (Puffy Face Method)

Almost as distressing as "Dealing with Difficult People" is  addressing agreeable people.  Let's face it, it's hard to make some chatty people (Frank) stop talking.  Many times this takes the form of "social interaction," which I strongly frown upon.  A relative of mine learned that suddenly beginning to disrobe produced an interesting effect, yet I have not yet managed to adapt this technique successfully as yet.  (It might have something to do with the padlocks.)


So, you're in a social situation and an attractive person approaches you, completely invading your bubble of privacy.  What do you do?  I sometimes will take my (circa 1990s) cell phone and proceed to "pretend" to dial myself.  Truth be known, however, this whole act is somewhat confusing to me, and I have been known to create situations where I've stopped talking to myself for days--literally.


Ashley Judd's whole puffy face controversy thing recently gave me a great idea.  I now carry a small container of yellow jackets.  (As long as you feed them from time to time, they do fine.)  As soon as the troubling social situation presents itself, I nonchalantly open the vial and press it against my face.  Usually, after several "applications" my bee allergy kicks in!  My face gets super puffy and my breathing starts to get obstructed.  After I stab myself repeatedly with the EpiPen, I soon am feeling much better.  During this period of time, the annoying person usually moves off.  


Admittedly, a "do-gooder" sometimes pesters me with questions about calling 911, the doctor, etc, but that's why I carry the second vial of bees!  (This also works well with jelly fish, but it can be a little more cumbersome to carry the tank.)


My technique may not work for everyone, but I am sure it will work for you.  Try today!

Dealing with Difficult People

These people can be difficult.  Best not to approach them, but tripping them in hallway is fine.  Should they fall, blame the person next to you.  If there is no one next to you, best to run quickly!  Be cautious about tripping football players, as ouchies have been known to result.  Stay tuned for more exciting updates--coming soon!

Gray Slime Made Easy! (Also Great for Hair!)

Since 1976, Dan Aykroyd has been the esteemed founder and CEO of the Bassomatic.  While we all are familiar with the joy and wonder of our first glass of this fine beverage, did you also know that this is much more nutritious and satisfying than pink slime?  I bet you didn't know this, but it is indeed true.

Most importantly, it doesn't have to be bass!  Why just the other day, I walked by a co-worker and commented on her bass, but trout is actually much more effective and satisfying ingredient.  Here's how to to make gray slime in the comfort and privacy of your own home!  When we're ready to wrap up today's important post, I'll also include several down-home applications for this fine product!  Don't ignore gray slime for one more minute!

Easy to Follow Directions:

A.  We find the fishy things.  

1.  Charge batteries on all electronic devices.

2.  Find "books" you can actually read.  Avoid the classics because they can be hard.  (I recommend Restless Auditor Romance Novels.)

3.  Bring lots of red wine--or beer if it doesn't remind you of a public rest area in southern New Mexico.

4.  Fill backpack with lots of food and drinks for long outing.  This will be an adventure!    

5.  Bring fishing supplies.

6.  Go to fishing place.  Spend hours throwing little line in the water and waiting.

7.  Read and eat and wait.  Drink alcoholic beverage.

8.  Wait.  Scratch self inconspicuously.

9.  Swear once or twice.  Get into drunken brawl with man next to you.

10.  Throw fishing gear away.  Go to grocery store where you will "catch" at least three large trout.  (For added effect, take fish out of packaging and put in your creel (not krill).  Family and friends will be impressed!

B.  Creating Gray Slime!!!

1.  Find blender.

2.  Make a slight effort at removing a few scales, but don't worry too much.

3.  Cut off fishy tail.  (Don't worry it hurts him more than you.)

4.  Pour one cup of crushed ice cubes into blender.

5.  One teaspoon of vanilla extract.

6.  Two teaspoons of salt.

7.  Drop three trout into blender.

8.  Two tablespoons of kitchen compost.

9.  Blend and pour Liquid goodness!  

10.  Enjoy!  :)

Now that you are faced with a couple tall glasses of gray slime, what's next?  Its potential uses are as limitless as those for its inferior siblings, pink slime and green slime (grasshoppers).  

C-D/E.  Gray Slime Uses:

1.   Nutritional supplement.

2.  Work-at-home opportunity. 

3.  Christmas Gift (use fish bottles).   Great for your boss!

4.  Shampoo!  Yes, it so happens that gray slime is the prime ingredient of Limp & Gray Shampoo!  Just add some chalk powder and fresh elephant garlic, and you're ready to go.  It leaves your hair feeling like you just left Ballard!

5.  A gift for your cats!  Your cat will love you forever.  Get rid of those cans of cat food and give your cat the best!

6.  Great for office food days!  

7.  Instead of leaving out candy at your accounting cubicle, have a punch bowl of gray slime and little Dixie cups--and/or chicks.

8.  Add to deserts to enhance nutritional value.  

9.  Did you know that one cup of gray slime equals two cups of pink slime?  (This can't be helped.)

10.  Keep the rabbits away.  Spy rabbits don't like gray slime.  This ingredient will help keep their stares at bay, and the little rabbit voices will stay in the background of your brain thingy.

Turn your world gray with gray slime today!

The Great Neighborhood Chihuahua Giveaway!

Seeing as my neighbor's sweet rat-dog won't stop barking at anything and everything--and the eagles haven't arrived yet--I've decided to give it away to one of my fantastic readers!  If you've never owned one of these fine creatures, you're in for an exciting treat!  (Also, I hear they taste a lot like chicken.) 

Entry rules, please send me $5 and an essay on accounting string theory.  This contest also requires you to convince said neighbor to give you the dog.  Be creative!  You might refer to someone by the name of Tina, but that's just a friendly suggestion.  There are no guarantees here, but isn't life all about risk-taking?

Tune in next week, when I attempt to rent neighbor's home while he's out of state!

IRS App Review (Including New Feature Options!)

I got to say that I love the new IRS2Go App!  I never knew how much fun I could have with my iPhone!  (Did you know there are one or two other Apps, too?  Even a few entertainment ones--so I hear.)


I subscribed to the enhanced version of this App in order to unlock the gold level features.  Below are just a few of the special functions this fine App opens for responsible and mature users.


1.  Browse neighbor's tax returns.


2.  Lookup SSNs for friends and neighbors!  Or, use the new stealth feature to really sock-it to your enemies!


3.  Combine Stealth feature with the new Stalker Menu to unearth all those financial secrets!


4.  Stumble-a-Return.  Randomized corporate return feature to browse at your leisure.


5.  The Report a Friend Feature is also new--and totally awesome!  I've submitted tips now on at three good friends, and this gives me at least fifteen gold coin credits towards the "Super Special and Very Restricted Menu!"  (Don't forget you can also upload photos.)


6.  Games!  I love the financial puzzle games.   I guess the arcade style shoot-em-ups are okay, too.  But I get tired of only being able to be the IRS guy in the black trench-coat and sunglasses.  Why can't I play the role of the Tax Protestor?


7.  Social Networking options are limitless.  Just go to the social networking sub-menu on the IRS2Go, and you'll immediately see what I mean! 


8.  Call an IRS Agent at home.  This is one of my favorite new options for enhanced version subscribers.  I've been calling some guy named Douglas H. Shulman for the past few nights, but sometimes I think he doesn't like the late night calls...

9.  Chip embedding in one's arm is also a great new feature to be rolled out soon.  It comes with a bar code, too!

10.  Pizza locator.  Find great pizza fast!  (menu 2bc(3))




Legal Disclaimer:  It's been pointed out that IRS folks aren't always the most humor-loving people.  So, that being the case, I would like to make abundantly clear that the writing above is satire.   It's a humor piece, people!  Get over it!