Need to Convert a 2013 Lexus LS 460 to 1971 Vega!

Back in January when my longtime business partner and close and personal friend, Frank, passed away I was really thrown for a loop.  After the partying died down, I started the long process of reading through his lengthy will.  I still don't know why he used "Strawberry Shortcake" stationary, but to each his own...  Maybe it had something to do with the ten boxes of something called "Viagra?"  (It looks like a health supplement of some sort.)

You know, what's weird?  Frank was a trustworthy and honest man, but I still don't understand how he could afford the Mercer Island mansion and new Lexus.  I mean he told me he only took $1,000 a year for personal "compensation."  I suppose he could have done moonlighting accounting.  Anywho, I find that Frank left me this sparkling new car called a Lexus LS 460.  It's nice, I guess.  Thing is...I really dislike new vehicles.  I call them cookie cutter cars, except they don't usually use cookie cutters, but big metal press thingies.  (Remember how the evil Terminator was killed in the first movie?  Well, they're different, but kind of similar to those things.) 

So, I guess my question for you fine people of the electronic world and all of my many friends--both of them--is how does one exactly go about converting a 2013 Lexus to a 1971 Vega?  That was my dream car, you know.  The Vega engine...it just felt kind of close and cuddly.  I also liked the fact that it would do something different every time you started it; I hate dependability.  Also, maybe I prefer the coolant draining out of the heater vents.  Don't judge me!

I look forward to your assistance on this important project.

Mixin' it up with the IRS Boys!

Thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Drudge for photo!

I was "super" excited this week to hear of the promotion of my close and personal friend Sarah Hall Ingram!  She's moving on up--from her entry level--upper/middle administrator job in the quiet little Tax Exempt/Government Entities Division to her new gig working that magic she works so well with that whole ObamaCare deal.  Wow!!  That girl can profile, man!  I mean those right wing insurance companies better watch out, because this girl knows the moves.  (Don't you feel healthier already?)

Now, some people mistakenly say that Ms. Ingram looks a lot like Dana Carvey's Church Lady, but, my friends, she is quite the party down animal.  She makes seasoned accountants look like...engineers.  (I remember sometimes she even drank alcoholic beverages.  Crazy!)

We should all pause a moment in deep gratefulness for all the joy the IRS brings to our lives!  So, go track down your local IRS agent, or neighborhood auditor, follow him home, and give him a big hug and some chocolate chip cookies!  Also, you best not forget...IRS hold music is coming soon to iTunes!

Dog Endorsement!

Chesterton

Oh, hello!  My name is Chesterton--Chester for short, you know.  I just got sprayed with the garden hose because I was running and jumping on my masters.  Stupid masters...  I'm not even 75 pounds yet!  

Anyways, I do feel like I am sort of in the doghouse this evening, so I wanted to stop for a minute and plug my master's short story sampler, because I am a good dog.

You see...  Wait!  Doggy treat!!  I'll be right back...  


There...  I'm back now.  It's me.  No, really it is.  (You can smell me, if you like.)  You really should go and download this here book.  It's great!  I mean I find it intellectually challenging and yet emotionally fulfilling, too.  Besides, if this guy can't sell anything he might have start writing romance novels, or something.  Yikes!!!

So, take it from a Newfoundland who knows a thing or two, this is one great selection of three short stories.  You ...lkmlk   (Sorry!  Hard to type with paws.)  will be thoroughly entertained and enlightened for at least half an hour, and then you can go and review it "online"!  Otherwise, I'm afraid he might turn to writing romance--or vampire--novels!!  That would be disgraceful.  Help!!

Chester

Whinery Tours!

Yesterday, I announced that whinery tours would soon be available.   To my astonishment, no one responded!  No one!  It's not fair!!  No one ever responds...

Sentient Oregon Moss?

When I first noticed that the slippery moss on my roof wasn't just ordinary moss anymore, it was very late at night.  As I often do, I was busily cleaning my gutters with a toothbrush in the rain.  The little voices began in whispers at first, but soon I could hear the squeaky conversations all around me.  I took another sip of my homemade brew, and I began to furiously scribble pages and pages of careful notes.  Here's an excerpt!


"Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Joe?"

"Yeah?  What da ya want?"

"What time is it?"

"Take off, hoosier!  Do I look like a clock?  Have another drink, eh?"


I didn't say it was a spellbinding conversation, but...just to hear the moss express its innermost thoughts and feelings was a momentous moment for me, and to learn that it was Canadian moss was deeply moving.  This was rich moss--in a cultural kinda way.

I've now placed my special Oregon moss in a ziplock bag, and I am sharing it with all my friends, colleagues, public transit riders, riffraff, and Frank.  So...if you see a figure climbing around your roof in the middle of the night...it's probably a burglar or serial killer, because I am as coordinated and graceful as a Newfoundland puppy on oily linoleum.  

Miss Fluffy and the Unfortunate Power Scooter Incident

Miss Fluffy (shortly before the "Incident".)

If your rotund cat is anything like our precious Miss Fluffy, power mobility and low out of pocket expense are critically important. When it comes to helping your widening feline get around the house with dignity, the Cat Scooter is purrfect!  We were so happy to discover Scooter's Scooter Store because of Scooter's commitment to charging Uncle Sam for every last possible cent.  Alas, cats are frequently not covered by Medicare, and this, we learned, was our sad situation.  

After much saving, coupon clipping, and canned cat food dinners (salmon and tuna), we managed to save the required $199.99 for the Deluxe Cat Scooter.  We were so excited when it arrived.  In vain we tried to get Miss Fluffy excited, but she would not be be budged from her cat bed.  We finally used rubber bands to carefully attach her to her brand new power scooter.  She, however, was not pleased.

What happened next all transpired so quickly that it's hard to recount exactly what happened--especially since I was not actually present at the time.  As I understand it, Miss. Fluffy tried to pursue a bird on the second floor and ended up sailing through an open window in her new power scooter.  The cat was a total loss, but we were able to salvage her power scooter.  It's available now for a reduced price!  (Please, not for use with hamsters!)

Giving Back & Withdrawing it Forward

"Missing" Dog #2

Bearing in mind that Monday is a day of service, I thought this would be a good time to air some dirty laundry that's been becoming more and more bothersome--smelly and stinky.  You see, it used to be one of my personal joys every Martin Luther King Day to help our local chapter of Habitat for Humanity.  This e-mail exchange caught me totally off guard...  Now, I'm not sure where I'll get more hammers.

Dear Restless Auditor,

We greatly appreciate the services you have endeavored to provide for us over the years.  Dating back the last fifteen years, we see consistent evidence of your involvement on any number of...projects.  After an internal review, we have determined that your donated time and efforts since 1997, or so, have cost our organization some $2.5 million. 

In a spirit of goodwill and gratitude, we sincerely ask that you not volunteer at any of our projects this year.  This should result in savings of at least $167,000 and help ensure that we keep our current insurance carrier.  

We'd also like to quickly draw your attention to the whole backhoe incident of 2012.  We don't mean to be rude or ungrateful, but we still are unable to locate where you put the following: (1) backhoe, (2) 2 interns, (3) assorted hammers, (4) small outbuilding, (5) 2012 Lexus, (6) 2 feral cats, (7) 3 dogs, (8) 4 dwarf hamsters, (9) 24 nail guns, and (10) 2 ladders.

If you'd like to know how you can help, please keep your door shut--with you on the inside.  

Sincerely,

Jonathan T.M. Reckford

Habitat For Humanity CFO

Dear Mr. Reckford,

I don't read between the lines very well...  Does this mean you don't want me to show up on January 21st?

Dear Restless Auditor:

YES!!!!

Sincerely,

Jonathan T.M. Reckford

Habitat For Humanity CFO