How to be Unsuccessful at Practically Anything (Without Trying)

(This was supposed to be a rabbit.)

These days we’re constantly bombarded about peoples’ creative ideas to become successful, but when do we hear of the good that comes from just doing an awful job at something?  For thousands of years mankind has been content with relative misery.  Why re-invent the wheel?  We need to return to our cultural roots and embrace the benefit that comes with just making a royal mess out of something truly important.

That being said, the very fact that you are reading this means that I have, in part at least, failed.  If I am not careful, this venture may become a success.  I hope and trust that you, dear reader, will not lend this article to friends, discuss it in book clubs, or purchase it as presents for friends and loved ones.  Join me now as we embark on our quest for failure, because no stone will be left unturned in our tireless pursuit of mediocrity.

Many different industries and livelihoods must be individually examined in order to fully comprehend the ideal approach to failure.  After all, the purple leather pants that might cost you a job as a menswear buyer at Nordstrom probably wouldn't get a second glance in the hallways of Microsoft.  You may ask, what makes your perspective so valuable?  Well, nothing, which is precisely why I am sharing it.  However, I will disclose that, when not writing or conducting unmotivational workshops for over-achievers, I work in the exciting field of tax auditing.  (I hear Cops will soon be spending a day of exciting, edge-of-your-seat filming with us as we pursue our General Ledger analysis.)

As many are fond of reminding me, I’ve been remarkably successful at various times of life in achieving jaw-dropping moments of blissful failure.  Much of what I recount will be culled from my years of personal experience.  For example, I’ll bet ten to one that you didn't know that simple lack of sleep mixed with high stress, infused with general irritability, and topped of with a dollop of incompetence can yield really rewarding results in the security field?  You betcha.  In fact, sleep deprivation is so rich with possibilities, we’ve completely ignored it here--in order to assure that this short essay is a failure on multiple levels.

In this month’s installment, then, we’re going to focus on what I call office assertiveness. My fellow researcher Hans Svenson-Wolfgang likes to refer to this to office manliness, but I would never use such a sexist term myself.  When starting a new job, it's important to demonstrate that you’re in control.  No one likes a namby pamby office man.  Make a name for yourself.  When in doubt, I always like to turn to the lessons of nature.  Take the Spider Monkey, for example.  Most people are utterly oblivious of the fact that this highly evolved species actually exhibits many of the characteristics of a successful business person.  Without boring you with the particulars (or facts), just take my word for it that you want someone like a spider monkey handling your penny stock portfolio.  Assertiveness and take-charge attitude are what they are all about.  You won't see them take any prisoners.  Again, don't worry about the facts or supportive documentation.  We don't need Jane Goodall to tell us what Spider Monkeys already know in their highly developed monkey brains.  

What is it that a spider monkey teaches us cubicle dwellers precisely?  It's simple really.   If you need something, take it!  Suppose you begin brand new job as an office person who is responsible for ordering new slide rules and pocket protectors for the accounting department or paddles and whips for the Human Resource gang.  Well, what happens if you need a whip at home for dwarf hamster obedience training?  Are you going to buy one out of your own personal funds?  No!  Just order one for yourself.  After all, isn’t that the real reason for office supply rooms anyway?  Be assertive.  Your new boss will be so impressed that you think outside the outside of the outer box, that you will certainly be promoted in no time.   Of course, the same philosophy (or lack thereof) also applies to getting dates with those attractive subordinates who try to ignore you.  Persistence is the key to their hearts.  

Well, my editor insists on a substantive essay of at least ten pages.  She mentioned something about tracing the history of failure from ancient times through the 40-year-old philosophy major who lives with his parents and enjoys playing video games and posting incoherent entries on Facebook.  So, anyway, I'm going to call it good with a couple pages.  Be sure to check back next time when we discuss jury duty preparation.

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