Miss Fluffy and the Unfortunate Power Scooter Incident

Miss Fluffy (shortly before the "Incident".)

If your rotund cat is anything like our precious Miss Fluffy, power mobility and low out of pocket expense are critically important. When it comes to helping your widening feline get around the house with dignity, the Cat Scooter is purrfect!  We were so happy to discover Scooter's Scooter Store because of Scooter's commitment to charging Uncle Sam for every last possible cent.  Alas, cats are frequently not covered by Medicare, and this, we learned, was our sad situation.  

After much saving, coupon clipping, and canned cat food dinners (salmon and tuna), we managed to save the required $199.99 for the Deluxe Cat Scooter.  We were so excited when it arrived.  In vain we tried to get Miss Fluffy excited, but she would not be be budged from her cat bed.  We finally used rubber bands to carefully attach her to her brand new power scooter.  She, however, was not pleased.

What happened next all transpired so quickly that it's hard to recount exactly what happened--especially since I was not actually present at the time.  As I understand it, Miss. Fluffy tried to pursue a bird on the second floor and ended up sailing through an open window in her new power scooter.  The cat was a total loss, but we were able to salvage her power scooter.  It's available now for a reduced price!  (Please, not for use with hamsters!)

Giving Back & Withdrawing it Forward

"Missing" Dog #2

Bearing in mind that Monday is a day of service, I thought this would be a good time to air some dirty laundry that's been becoming more and more bothersome--smelly and stinky.  You see, it used to be one of my personal joys every Martin Luther King Day to help our local chapter of Habitat for Humanity.  This e-mail exchange caught me totally off guard...  Now, I'm not sure where I'll get more hammers.

Dear Restless Auditor,

We greatly appreciate the services you have endeavored to provide for us over the years.  Dating back the last fifteen years, we see consistent evidence of your involvement on any number of...projects.  After an internal review, we have determined that your donated time and efforts since 1997, or so, have cost our organization some $2.5 million. 

In a spirit of goodwill and gratitude, we sincerely ask that you not volunteer at any of our projects this year.  This should result in savings of at least $167,000 and help ensure that we keep our current insurance carrier.  

We'd also like to quickly draw your attention to the whole backhoe incident of 2012.  We don't mean to be rude or ungrateful, but we still are unable to locate where you put the following: (1) backhoe, (2) 2 interns, (3) assorted hammers, (4) small outbuilding, (5) 2012 Lexus, (6) 2 feral cats, (7) 3 dogs, (8) 4 dwarf hamsters, (9) 24 nail guns, and (10) 2 ladders.

If you'd like to know how you can help, please keep your door shut--with you on the inside.  

Sincerely,

Jonathan T.M. Reckford

Habitat For Humanity CFO

Dear Mr. Reckford,

I don't read between the lines very well...  Does this mean you don't want me to show up on January 21st?

Dear Restless Auditor:

YES!!!!

Sincerely,

Jonathan T.M. Reckford

Habitat For Humanity CFO

Haven't Written Anything for Long Time!

Having a Pat the Bunny Kind of Day!

You ever have the kind of day where you just retreat under your desk with your Pat the Bunny book, a calculator, and a bag of frozen peas?  I find it a restful and rewarding method to achieve inner peas. 

Sincere apologies to Random House, Dorothy Kunhardt, Unitarians, Birdseye Frozen Peas, and bunnies everywhere.  In fact, apologies also to squirrels, because that's the kind of guy I am.  I care.

Black Wednesday Disappointments

Although I was waiting alone in front of Best Buy last night until 2:30am, no one ever did come by--except for George. George is apparently the night security person there.  He also happens to have a drinking problem and a bad case of halitosis, but I digress.  (He also suspects his wife of having an affair with an auditor.  Poor schmuck.)

Best Buy, please accept my strongest expression of disappointment as I really needed some new socks.  Your failure to follow the schedule posted in the men's room at the Greyhound station was really upsetting.   I hope it won't happen again!  You probably lost one or two customers--not to mention shoplifters.

PS  Happy Thanksgiving!

95 Theses Taped to SFP's Door

Dr. Mr. Bubba Bubbason,

I am somewhat angry today.  You may have noticed my 95 Theses to which to your door were securely taped on October 31st.  Those 95 Theses were indeed attached to your door by me, The Restless Auditor.  I hope you will take the opportunity to read them thoroughly and become familiar with the logical thinking evidenced throughout the many crayon-scrawled pages.  For your reference, I have included here my top 10 of the 95 Theses.  (Unlike inferior 95 Theses of past, mine has links!)

1.  Please return your neighbor's Prius to Koi pond.  (I changed my mind, and it looks best there.)

2.  Please send back my Colbert poster, as I need to put it on "Ebay" in order to finance new hobby and pay associated legal costs.

3.  While I recently flattened your duck with the Prius, I neglected to retrieve said duck.  Do you still have it?  (Practicing taxidermy in preparation for the passing of my great, great, twice-removed cousin; she's got a bad cold, and I am optimistic.)

4.  Meeting minutes should be taken only by someone authorized to hear the secret accounting words of our order.

5.  There should be candy, peanuts,  and foamy alcoholic drinks at our meetings.  I also like pretzels.

6.  There should be fewer old men and additional younger women at all of our gatherings.  (Frank's fine if he wears a wig and lipstick.)

7.  Speaking of meetings...I should be allowed to attend Society of Financial Proctologist's meetings, gatherings, and shindigs--when not within "fifty feet of Mr. Bubbason's residence, or any building or structure where people gather."

8.  Why didn't anyone follow-up with me about the uniform idea?  Was matching underwear going too far?

9.  My other cousin, the one who stars occasionally on the CSI SUV ASAP at the AARP, would like to know why he can't join--since he plays an auditor on public access television?  (He also has access to alcoholic beverages, which could be useful reference #5.

10.  I still don't entirely understand the whole "Restraining Order" thing.  We're still on for the big accounting party, right?  I'll have my special Ledger!

Who Needs Editors?

A friend of mine decided to become an editor.  Isnt that silly?  I insure that my writin' is always topsy like, the creme of the corn so to speak.  I think we all have good writerss inside all of us, but sometimes we just need to look for those parts of ourselves that hide those things in there.  I know I is a good writer. 

That brings me to spell check.  It's good, to, but the editor says something silly.  He says it doesn't  doesn't help when it comes to homophones.  (Personally, I think that's just a rude thing to say, and I am not going to ever speak of it again.)

Well, if you need one of those fancy pants editors, here's my friend's information.  He's a good guy, a close and personal friend, but he doesn't always have good taste when it comes to friends.