Society of Financial Proctologists, a Koi Pond, Colbert, and a Duck

To: Mr. Bubbason, SFP


Re: Late Night Visit and Related Issues




Late last night I made an ill-advised phone call to your secret cell phone.  After I hung-up and tossed my disposable phone out my window, it occurred to me that some of the descriptive terms employed within said message were less than neighborly--or auditorly.  That being the case, I decided I needed to make amends.  I proceeded straight to your secluded residence a little after midnight.  


As I wandered your manicured lawns and poked around your private spaces, I had two to four main goals in mind.  First, avoid your sprinklers.  Second, erase message on the cell phone.  Third, leave behind my autographed picture of Stephen Colbert--for whom I may soon be offering my brain in jar for Super Pac consulting opportunity--as a gesture of my good will.  Fourth, avoid your sprinklers.


I was not, however, made aware of your two new dogs.  Instead of heading into your house where I usually do (you know the 1st floor library bathroom window you leave ajar?), I had to make a life/death decision and make entry via the dog door.  Sadly, this really wasn't a good choice.  (Please return the seat of my black pants, if found.)  


After wandering to and fro for a while, I finally located your cell phone on top of your bedside table.  I accessed your voice mail and deleted the inappropriate message.  After heading back downstairs at 2:35am, I stubbed my toe on your bear rug in the Great Hall.  Unfortunately, this caused me to drop the Colbert picture in your wet bar.  Stephen is  at the bar.  


Truth be known, I was a little upset at this point.  On the way back out to that hole in your south fence, I happened across your neighbor's Prius.  I was so impressed with its successful removal from the pond, that I'm afraid I bumped it (or maybe released the brake and put it in neutral).  It's indeed likely that this hybrid vehicle may have rolled back into the pond a second time.

That's not necessarily the worst of it, though.  Rolling down the fairway grass on its journey to said pond, the little hybrid pancaked a sleeping mallard.  As your two dogs had apparently been investigating the duck, it may have also hit them.  In the process of attempting to recover the duck (duck a l'orange is a favorite), I somehow managed to activate the water supply to your pond.  The pretty water rushed in so fast!  It was fun to watch for a few minutes, but, as your backyard began to disappear, I was getting sleepy.  


At any rate, I know that I was successful in removing the message, because I still have your cell phone.  Isn't that funny!?  Also, I deleted the other messages--to be safe, you know.  Incidentally, who's Sylvia whom you're meeting at "our special place?"  Be sure to tell her hi from me!  She sounds like a nice girl.


Returning back to the ol' homestead, I found your package in my mail slot.  I guess I haven't checked the mail in a few days.  What is a "Restraining Order" exactly?  Although my cousin plays a small recurring role in CSI SUV ASAP @ the AARP, I'm afraid my legal skills are not as strong as his are--at least when he's sober.


Look forward to working out those membership details!  I'm sure we'll have this all behind us in no time.  




Best Regards,




The Restless Auditor




PS.  If you are reading this, I ask that you please, please don't click on the cute, fluffy animal down below.  Also, be sure not to check me out on Twitter. Thank you--and good night.

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