Having a Pat the Bunny Kind of Day!

You ever have the kind of day where you just retreat under your desk with your Pat the Bunny book, a calculator, and a bag of frozen peas?  I find it a restful and rewarding method to achieve inner peas. 

Sincere apologies to Random House, Dorothy Kunhardt, Unitarians, Birdseye Frozen Peas, and bunnies everywhere.  In fact, apologies also to squirrels, because that's the kind of guy I am.  I care.

Black Wednesday Disappointments

Although I was waiting alone in front of Best Buy last night until 2:30am, no one ever did come by--except for George. George is apparently the night security person there.  He also happens to have a drinking problem and a bad case of halitosis, but I digress.  (He also suspects his wife of having an affair with an auditor.  Poor schmuck.)

Best Buy, please accept my strongest expression of disappointment as I really needed some new socks.  Your failure to follow the schedule posted in the men's room at the Greyhound station was really upsetting.   I hope it won't happen again!  You probably lost one or two customers--not to mention shoplifters.

PS  Happy Thanksgiving!

95 Theses Taped to SFP's Door

Dr. Mr. Bubba Bubbason,

I am somewhat angry today.  You may have noticed my 95 Theses to which to your door were securely taped on October 31st.  Those 95 Theses were indeed attached to your door by me, The Restless Auditor.  I hope you will take the opportunity to read them thoroughly and become familiar with the logical thinking evidenced throughout the many crayon-scrawled pages.  For your reference, I have included here my top 10 of the 95 Theses.  (Unlike inferior 95 Theses of past, mine has links!)

1.  Please return your neighbor's Prius to Koi pond.  (I changed my mind, and it looks best there.)

2.  Please send back my Colbert poster, as I need to put it on "Ebay" in order to finance new hobby and pay associated legal costs.

3.  While I recently flattened your duck with the Prius, I neglected to retrieve said duck.  Do you still have it?  (Practicing taxidermy in preparation for the passing of my great, great, twice-removed cousin; she's got a bad cold, and I am optimistic.)

4.  Meeting minutes should be taken only by someone authorized to hear the secret accounting words of our order.

5.  There should be candy, peanuts,  and foamy alcoholic drinks at our meetings.  I also like pretzels.

6.  There should be fewer old men and additional younger women at all of our gatherings.  (Frank's fine if he wears a wig and lipstick.)

7.  Speaking of meetings...I should be allowed to attend Society of Financial Proctologist's meetings, gatherings, and shindigs--when not within "fifty feet of Mr. Bubbason's residence, or any building or structure where people gather."

8.  Why didn't anyone follow-up with me about the uniform idea?  Was matching underwear going too far?

9.  My other cousin, the one who stars occasionally on the CSI SUV ASAP at the AARP, would like to know why he can't join--since he plays an auditor on public access television?  (He also has access to alcoholic beverages, which could be useful reference #5.

10.  I still don't entirely understand the whole "Restraining Order" thing.  We're still on for the big accounting party, right?  I'll have my special Ledger!

Who Needs Editors?

A friend of mine decided to become an editor.  Isnt that silly?  I insure that my writin' is always topsy like, the creme of the corn so to speak.  I think we all have good writerss inside all of us, but sometimes we just need to look for those parts of ourselves that hide those things in there.  I know I is a good writer. 

That brings me to spell check.  It's good, to, but the editor says something silly.  He says it doesn't  doesn't help when it comes to homophones.  (Personally, I think that's just a rude thing to say, and I am not going to ever speak of it again.)

Well, if you need one of those fancy pants editors, here's my friend's information.  He's a good guy, a close and personal friend, but he doesn't always have good taste when it comes to friends.

 

Dealing with People

Let's face it...the hardest thing about heading out that front door is that, try as you might, you're likely to bump into a fellow human being from time to time.  Being an auditor, I find these interactions as troubling as interpretive dance at funerals.  

What can you do to reduce or eliminate these frustrating contacts?  There are many great options to explore and experiment with, but the ten that follow are my least favorite.

1.  As soon as someone is approaching you, run towards them as if to initiate a bear hug.

2.  Try smelling armpits every so often.  This seems to discourage contacts.

3.  While less effective with the advent of cell phones, having a loud conversation with no apparent person is always a great way to avoid social interactions.

4.  With your 1980s era cell phone firmly in hand, repeat the following until the person has passed you.  "You put the body where?  What do you mean you misplaced the knife?"

5.  If a woman walking dog appears, look at the dog and whistle loudly.  "Oh, yeah, baby!" also can be quite effective.  Not recommended for pit bulls or women wearing chains.

6.  Try hopping and walking backwards when approached by strange people.

7.  When approached next time, try just staring blankly and repeating the word "Rosebud?"  It works wonders.

8.  As inspired by a close relative, in awkward social situations nothing gets rid of people faster than stripping.  Well...okay...this only is effective with a certain body type.

9.  The aluminum foil hat can also be helpful in these situations, since it magnetically distorts the air around your head and renders you nearly invisible in the correct lighting conditions.

10.  Breaking into song is another great option.  Just make sure you can't actually sing.  If you sound good, this will be less effective--unless you also undress and hop simultaneously.

(These techniques also work well with roommates!)

IRS Rap / Love My IRC

(The IRC Squirrel)

In our on-going effort aimed squarely at discovering and implementing new and innovative ways of promoting continuing education for our fellow auditors, the Restless Auditor is excited to unveil the IRC Rap.  Happy learnin'!

(Best grab your munchies before you hit the exciting link below.)

THE IRC RAP!!

Destination Audits Coming to SyFi Channel!

Very excited to pass along this breaking news--straight from a guy on the inside of a late night cleaning crew--Destination Audits will be released soon from the SyFi Channel!  That's right.  You'll get to watch the exciting and hair-raising process of audit appointment setup, appointment cancellation, appointment re-schedule, appointment moved to accountant's office, appointment moved to accountant's brother-in-law's office in abandoned strip mall, followed (most likely) by audit completion some six months later.  It will feel like a real and true audit experience--minus the food-encrusted financial records with smelly dwarf hamster droppings!  So, grab your General Ledger and calculator and we'll see you for the season premier!