Rockin' Oregon Accountant Party!

It's strange, but just having moved to Salem, Oregon twenty years, or so, ago and having no close friends, acquaintances, or pets yet, the internet has been my communication lifeline.  Some of my internet friends just made me aware of a rockin' party tonight just off of someplace called Collins Cove here in Oregon's capital capitol.  Looking forward to catchin' the whole accounting online gang in the "real world" tonight.  See ya there!  PS.  BYOC! (Bring your own calculators!!)

Restless Auditor Not Yet Leaving Twitter!!

Bewilderingly, I am indeed still here.  Don't understand it, but that's the long and short of the situation.  In other news, experiencing continuity problems in my life today.  More on that later perhaps--but someone's going to be receiving a strongly worded letter!

Restless Auditor Leaving Twitter?

My whole novel on the exciting and controversial world of PI has taken up a great deal more time than even I anticipated.  So, I have tentatively decided to withdraw my Twitter account.  No worries, though!  I have quietly hacked a friend's twitter and plan to surreptitiously post my random thoughts there from time to time.  I don't think he'll mind.


No promises, then, but Restless Auditor's exciting twitter feed will likely vanish in a poof of vanishing air later this week.  Stand by for updates (on twitter?).  I'm confused.


PS.  Frank had an interesting suggestion.  If I get another ten, or so, followers this week, I might consent to leaving it up a little longer--or taking it down sooner.

Harnessing the Power of Ambiguous Communication

(This photo has absolutely nothing to do with article!)

You don't have to be a rocket scientist, or even an overpaid and under-qualified engineer, to recognize the importance of keeping your boss constantly guessing.  Coming to work at wildly different times, long incoherent or mildly catatonic episodes, selling Amway products during office hours, no hygiene practices--these are all examples of behaviors that could set you apart from the lemon-smelling lemming crowd--if you took the chance to be different.  After all, shouldn't you become the change your afraid to count upon tomorrow?  (Saying available in cute kitten posters!)

Supervisors respect and highly praise creative business people who, for example, manage their Ebay business simultaneously with their boring daily "jobs."  Another way to set yourself apart is your communication.  If you're tired and irritable, it's a great time to send an important e-mail or have that big meeting with your boss.  Strive in your messages for ambiguity and a vague mysterious quality.  For instance, here's a great example of a message my friend Sven sent to his supervisor at the fish processing center in Anacortes, Washington.

Dear Bob,

I hear something big may be happening tonight, so I wanted to let you know that I wasn't involved in any way.  Sadly, I can't come in tomorrow to work the krab line because of certain particular conditions which may negatively impact our work environment.  If you need me, I'll be up at the cabin.   No cell service, but why don't you drive on up?  I'll see you before you see me, so I'll be sure to catch you on the other side!

...Sven   

The above message is so confusing and mysterious that it will just put a smile on the supervisor's face!  Strive for ambiguity so that you can change your intended meanings later to suit your needs.  Enjoy!


Psst...Another great little phrase is "larger issues."   

Napping for Idiots

Napping may indeed rise to an art form when practiced in meetings, weddings, marriages, divorces, sentencing phases, etc...  I would like to help you help yourself become a better napper.  To this end, please carefully follow these instructions.


1.  Think about all of your wide assortment of personal and financial troubles.

2.  Pick one and follow it through to the worst case scenario.  Repeat for several different categories of worry.

3.  Consider how fast your own demise will come.

4. Will five people attend your funeral?

5.  Imagine what the homelessness will be like.  Become one with the "Will work for beer" sign you will likely hold.  What does the sign feel?

6.  What kind of dog will you have sitting next to you?

7.  How much dog food can you buy after redeeming a sack of aluminum cans?

8.  Then, return to present.  If you die in the night, who will get the cat?  Dwell on this for a time.  Will they understand her unique hairball problems and challenges?

9.  If a giant cockroach appears out of nowhere, will you have time to take appropriate measures?

10.  Finally, just reflect on your last tax return!


That's it.  Goodnight!

How to be Unsuccessful at Practically Anything (Without Trying)

(This was supposed to be a rabbit.)

These days we’re constantly bombarded about peoples’ creative ideas to become successful, but when do we hear of the good that comes from just doing an awful job at something?  For thousands of years mankind has been content with relative misery.  Why re-invent the wheel?  We need to return to our cultural roots and embrace the benefit that comes with just making a royal mess out of something truly important.

That being said, the very fact that you are reading this means that I have, in part at least, failed.  If I am not careful, this venture may become a success.  I hope and trust that you, dear reader, will not lend this article to friends, discuss it in book clubs, or purchase it as presents for friends and loved ones.  Join me now as we embark on our quest for failure, because no stone will be left unturned in our tireless pursuit of mediocrity.

Many different industries and livelihoods must be individually examined in order to fully comprehend the ideal approach to failure.  After all, the purple leather pants that might cost you a job as a menswear buyer at Nordstrom probably wouldn't get a second glance in the hallways of Microsoft.  You may ask, what makes your perspective so valuable?  Well, nothing, which is precisely why I am sharing it.  However, I will disclose that, when not writing or conducting unmotivational workshops for over-achievers, I work in the exciting field of tax auditing.  (I hear Cops will soon be spending a day of exciting, edge-of-your-seat filming with us as we pursue our General Ledger analysis.)

As many are fond of reminding me, I’ve been remarkably successful at various times of life in achieving jaw-dropping moments of blissful failure.  Much of what I recount will be culled from my years of personal experience.  For example, I’ll bet ten to one that you didn't know that simple lack of sleep mixed with high stress, infused with general irritability, and topped of with a dollop of incompetence can yield really rewarding results in the security field?  You betcha.  In fact, sleep deprivation is so rich with possibilities, we’ve completely ignored it here--in order to assure that this short essay is a failure on multiple levels.

In this month’s installment, then, we’re going to focus on what I call office assertiveness. My fellow researcher Hans Svenson-Wolfgang likes to refer to this to office manliness, but I would never use such a sexist term myself.  When starting a new job, it's important to demonstrate that you’re in control.  No one likes a namby pamby office man.  Make a name for yourself.  When in doubt, I always like to turn to the lessons of nature.  Take the Spider Monkey, for example.  Most people are utterly oblivious of the fact that this highly evolved species actually exhibits many of the characteristics of a successful business person.  Without boring you with the particulars (or facts), just take my word for it that you want someone like a spider monkey handling your penny stock portfolio.  Assertiveness and take-charge attitude are what they are all about.  You won't see them take any prisoners.  Again, don't worry about the facts or supportive documentation.  We don't need Jane Goodall to tell us what Spider Monkeys already know in their highly developed monkey brains.  

What is it that a spider monkey teaches us cubicle dwellers precisely?  It's simple really.   If you need something, take it!  Suppose you begin brand new job as an office person who is responsible for ordering new slide rules and pocket protectors for the accounting department or paddles and whips for the Human Resource gang.  Well, what happens if you need a whip at home for dwarf hamster obedience training?  Are you going to buy one out of your own personal funds?  No!  Just order one for yourself.  After all, isn’t that the real reason for office supply rooms anyway?  Be assertive.  Your new boss will be so impressed that you think outside the outside of the outer box, that you will certainly be promoted in no time.   Of course, the same philosophy (or lack thereof) also applies to getting dates with those attractive subordinates who try to ignore you.  Persistence is the key to their hearts.  

Well, my editor insists on a substantive essay of at least ten pages.  She mentioned something about tracing the history of failure from ancient times through the 40-year-old philosophy major who lives with his parents and enjoys playing video games and posting incoherent entries on Facebook.  So, anyway, I'm going to call it good with a couple pages.  Be sure to check back next time when we discuss jury duty preparation.

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