Need to Convert a 2013 Lexus LS 460 to 1971 Vega!

Back in January when my longtime business partner and close and personal friend, Frank, passed away I was really thrown for a loop.  After the partying died down, I started the long process of reading through his lengthy will.  I still don't know why he used "Strawberry Shortcake" stationary, but to each his own...  Maybe it had something to do with the ten boxes of something called "Viagra?"  (It looks like a health supplement of some sort.)

You know, what's weird?  Frank was a trustworthy and honest man, but I still don't understand how he could afford the Mercer Island mansion and new Lexus.  I mean he told me he only took $1,000 a year for personal "compensation."  I suppose he could have done moonlighting accounting.  Anywho, I find that Frank left me this sparkling new car called a Lexus LS 460.  It's nice, I guess.  Thing is...I really dislike new vehicles.  I call them cookie cutter cars, except they don't usually use cookie cutters, but big metal press thingies.  (Remember how the evil Terminator was killed in the first movie?  Well, they're different, but kind of similar to those things.) 

So, I guess my question for you fine people of the electronic world and all of my many friends--both of them--is how does one exactly go about converting a 2013 Lexus to a 1971 Vega?  That was my dream car, you know.  The Vega engine...it just felt kind of close and cuddly.  I also liked the fact that it would do something different every time you started it; I hate dependability.  Also, maybe I prefer the coolant draining out of the heater vents.  Don't judge me!

I look forward to your assistance on this important project.

Mixin' it up with the IRS Boys!

Thanks to Mr. and Mrs. Drudge for photo!

I was "super" excited this week to hear of the promotion of my close and personal friend Sarah Hall Ingram!  She's moving on up--from her entry level--upper/middle administrator job in the quiet little Tax Exempt/Government Entities Division to her new gig working that magic she works so well with that whole ObamaCare deal.  Wow!!  That girl can profile, man!  I mean those right wing insurance companies better watch out, because this girl knows the moves.  (Don't you feel healthier already?)

Now, some people mistakenly say that Ms. Ingram looks a lot like Dana Carvey's Church Lady, but, my friends, she is quite the party down animal.  She makes seasoned accountants look like...engineers.  (I remember sometimes she even drank alcoholic beverages.  Crazy!)

We should all pause a moment in deep gratefulness for all the joy the IRS brings to our lives!  So, go track down your local IRS agent, or neighborhood auditor, follow him home, and give him a big hug and some chocolate chip cookies!  Also, you best not forget...IRS hold music is coming soon to iTunes!

Dog Endorsement!

Chesterton

Oh, hello!  My name is Chesterton--Chester for short, you know.  I just got sprayed with the garden hose because I was running and jumping on my masters.  Stupid masters...  I'm not even 75 pounds yet!  

Anyways, I do feel like I am sort of in the doghouse this evening, so I wanted to stop for a minute and plug my master's short story sampler, because I am a good dog.

You see...  Wait!  Doggy treat!!  I'll be right back...  


There...  I'm back now.  It's me.  No, really it is.  (You can smell me, if you like.)  You really should go and download this here book.  It's great!  I mean I find it intellectually challenging and yet emotionally fulfilling, too.  Besides, if this guy can't sell anything he might have start writing romance novels, or something.  Yikes!!!

So, take it from a Newfoundland who knows a thing or two, this is one great selection of three short stories.  You ...lkmlk   (Sorry!  Hard to type with paws.)  will be thoroughly entertained and enlightened for at least half an hour, and then you can go and review it "online"!  Otherwise, I'm afraid he might turn to writing romance--or vampire--novels!!  That would be disgraceful.  Help!!

Chester

Whinery Tours!

Yesterday, I announced that whinery tours would soon be available.   To my astonishment, no one responded!  No one!  It's not fair!!  No one ever responds...

Sentient Oregon Moss?

When I first noticed that the slippery moss on my roof wasn't just ordinary moss anymore, it was very late at night.  As I often do, I was busily cleaning my gutters with a toothbrush in the rain.  The little voices began in whispers at first, but soon I could hear the squeaky conversations all around me.  I took another sip of my homemade brew, and I began to furiously scribble pages and pages of careful notes.  Here's an excerpt!


"Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Joe?"

"Yeah?  What da ya want?"

"What time is it?"

"Take off, hoosier!  Do I look like a clock?  Have another drink, eh?"


I didn't say it was a spellbinding conversation, but...just to hear the moss express its innermost thoughts and feelings was a momentous moment for me, and to learn that it was Canadian moss was deeply moving.  This was rich moss--in a cultural kinda way.

I've now placed my special Oregon moss in a ziplock bag, and I am sharing it with all my friends, colleagues, public transit riders, riffraff, and Frank.  So...if you see a figure climbing around your roof in the middle of the night...it's probably a burglar or serial killer, because I am as coordinated and graceful as a Newfoundland puppy on oily linoleum.  

Miss Fluffy and the Unfortunate Power Scooter Incident

Miss Fluffy (shortly before the "Incident".)

If your rotund cat is anything like our precious Miss Fluffy, power mobility and low out of pocket expense are critically important. When it comes to helping your widening feline get around the house with dignity, the Cat Scooter is purrfect!  We were so happy to discover Scooter's Scooter Store because of Scooter's commitment to charging Uncle Sam for every last possible cent.  Alas, cats are frequently not covered by Medicare, and this, we learned, was our sad situation.  

After much saving, coupon clipping, and canned cat food dinners (salmon and tuna), we managed to save the required $199.99 for the Deluxe Cat Scooter.  We were so excited when it arrived.  In vain we tried to get Miss Fluffy excited, but she would not be be budged from her cat bed.  We finally used rubber bands to carefully attach her to her brand new power scooter.  She, however, was not pleased.

What happened next all transpired so quickly that it's hard to recount exactly what happened--especially since I was not actually present at the time.  As I understand it, Miss. Fluffy tried to pursue a bird on the second floor and ended up sailing through an open window in her new power scooter.  The cat was a total loss, but we were able to salvage her power scooter.  It's available now for a reduced price!  (Please, not for use with hamsters!)

Giving Back & Withdrawing it Forward

"Missing" Dog #2

Bearing in mind that Monday is a day of service, I thought this would be a good time to air some dirty laundry that's been becoming more and more bothersome--smelly and stinky.  You see, it used to be one of my personal joys every Martin Luther King Day to help our local chapter of Habitat for Humanity.  This e-mail exchange caught me totally off guard...  Now, I'm not sure where I'll get more hammers.

Dear Restless Auditor,

We greatly appreciate the services you have endeavored to provide for us over the years.  Dating back the last fifteen years, we see consistent evidence of your involvement on any number of...projects.  After an internal review, we have determined that your donated time and efforts since 1997, or so, have cost our organization some $2.5 million. 

In a spirit of goodwill and gratitude, we sincerely ask that you not volunteer at any of our projects this year.  This should result in savings of at least $167,000 and help ensure that we keep our current insurance carrier.  

We'd also like to quickly draw your attention to the whole backhoe incident of 2012.  We don't mean to be rude or ungrateful, but we still are unable to locate where you put the following: (1) backhoe, (2) 2 interns, (3) assorted hammers, (4) small outbuilding, (5) 2012 Lexus, (6) 2 feral cats, (7) 3 dogs, (8) 4 dwarf hamsters, (9) 24 nail guns, and (10) 2 ladders.

If you'd like to know how you can help, please keep your door shut--with you on the inside.  

Sincerely,

Jonathan T.M. Reckford

Habitat For Humanity CFO

Dear Mr. Reckford,

I don't read between the lines very well...  Does this mean you don't want me to show up on January 21st?

Dear Restless Auditor:

YES!!!!

Sincerely,

Jonathan T.M. Reckford

Habitat For Humanity CFO

Haven't Written Anything for Long Time!

Having a Pat the Bunny Kind of Day!

You ever have the kind of day where you just retreat under your desk with your Pat the Bunny book, a calculator, and a bag of frozen peas?  I find it a restful and rewarding method to achieve inner peas. 

Sincere apologies to Random House, Dorothy Kunhardt, Unitarians, Birdseye Frozen Peas, and bunnies everywhere.  In fact, apologies also to squirrels, because that's the kind of guy I am.  I care.

Black Wednesday Disappointments

Although I was waiting alone in front of Best Buy last night until 2:30am, no one ever did come by--except for George. George is apparently the night security person there.  He also happens to have a drinking problem and a bad case of halitosis, but I digress.  (He also suspects his wife of having an affair with an auditor.  Poor schmuck.)

Best Buy, please accept my strongest expression of disappointment as I really needed some new socks.  Your failure to follow the schedule posted in the men's room at the Greyhound station was really upsetting.   I hope it won't happen again!  You probably lost one or two customers--not to mention shoplifters.

PS  Happy Thanksgiving!

95 Theses Taped to SFP's Door

Dr. Mr. Bubba Bubbason,

I am somewhat angry today.  You may have noticed my 95 Theses to which to your door were securely taped on October 31st.  Those 95 Theses were indeed attached to your door by me, The Restless Auditor.  I hope you will take the opportunity to read them thoroughly and become familiar with the logical thinking evidenced throughout the many crayon-scrawled pages.  For your reference, I have included here my top 10 of the 95 Theses.  (Unlike inferior 95 Theses of past, mine has links!)

1.  Please return your neighbor's Prius to Koi pond.  (I changed my mind, and it looks best there.)

2.  Please send back my Colbert poster, as I need to put it on "Ebay" in order to finance new hobby and pay associated legal costs.

3.  While I recently flattened your duck with the Prius, I neglected to retrieve said duck.  Do you still have it?  (Practicing taxidermy in preparation for the passing of my great, great, twice-removed cousin; she's got a bad cold, and I am optimistic.)

4.  Meeting minutes should be taken only by someone authorized to hear the secret accounting words of our order.

5.  There should be candy, peanuts,  and foamy alcoholic drinks at our meetings.  I also like pretzels.

6.  There should be fewer old men and additional younger women at all of our gatherings.  (Frank's fine if he wears a wig and lipstick.)

7.  Speaking of meetings...I should be allowed to attend Society of Financial Proctologist's meetings, gatherings, and shindigs--when not within "fifty feet of Mr. Bubbason's residence, or any building or structure where people gather."

8.  Why didn't anyone follow-up with me about the uniform idea?  Was matching underwear going too far?

9.  My other cousin, the one who stars occasionally on the CSI SUV ASAP at the AARP, would like to know why he can't join--since he plays an auditor on public access television?  (He also has access to alcoholic beverages, which could be useful reference #5.

10.  I still don't entirely understand the whole "Restraining Order" thing.  We're still on for the big accounting party, right?  I'll have my special Ledger!

Who Needs Editors?

A friend of mine decided to become an editor.  Isnt that silly?  I insure that my writin' is always topsy like, the creme of the corn so to speak.  I think we all have good writerss inside all of us, but sometimes we just need to look for those parts of ourselves that hide those things in there.  I know I is a good writer. 

That brings me to spell check.  It's good, to, but the editor says something silly.  He says it doesn't  doesn't help when it comes to homophones.  (Personally, I think that's just a rude thing to say, and I am not going to ever speak of it again.)

Well, if you need one of those fancy pants editors, here's my friend's information.  He's a good guy, a close and personal friend, but he doesn't always have good taste when it comes to friends.

 

Dealing with People

Let's face it...the hardest thing about heading out that front door is that, try as you might, you're likely to bump into a fellow human being from time to time.  Being an auditor, I find these interactions as troubling as interpretive dance at funerals.  

What can you do to reduce or eliminate these frustrating contacts?  There are many great options to explore and experiment with, but the ten that follow are my least favorite.

1.  As soon as someone is approaching you, run towards them as if to initiate a bear hug.

2.  Try smelling armpits every so often.  This seems to discourage contacts.

3.  While less effective with the advent of cell phones, having a loud conversation with no apparent person is always a great way to avoid social interactions.

4.  With your 1980s era cell phone firmly in hand, repeat the following until the person has passed you.  "You put the body where?  What do you mean you misplaced the knife?"

5.  If a woman walking dog appears, look at the dog and whistle loudly.  "Oh, yeah, baby!" also can be quite effective.  Not recommended for pit bulls or women wearing chains.

6.  Try hopping and walking backwards when approached by strange people.

7.  When approached next time, try just staring blankly and repeating the word "Rosebud?"  It works wonders.

8.  As inspired by a close relative, in awkward social situations nothing gets rid of people faster than stripping.  Well...okay...this only is effective with a certain body type.

9.  The aluminum foil hat can also be helpful in these situations, since it magnetically distorts the air around your head and renders you nearly invisible in the correct lighting conditions.

10.  Breaking into song is another great option.  Just make sure you can't actually sing.  If you sound good, this will be less effective--unless you also undress and hop simultaneously.

(These techniques also work well with roommates!)

IRS Rap / Love My IRC

(The IRC Squirrel)

In our on-going effort aimed squarely at discovering and implementing new and innovative ways of promoting continuing education for our fellow auditors, the Restless Auditor is excited to unveil the IRC Rap.  Happy learnin'!

(Best grab your munchies before you hit the exciting link below.)

THE IRC RAP!!

Destination Audits Coming to SyFi Channel!

Very excited to pass along this breaking news--straight from a guy on the inside of a late night cleaning crew--Destination Audits will be released soon from the SyFi Channel!  That's right.  You'll get to watch the exciting and hair-raising process of audit appointment setup, appointment cancellation, appointment re-schedule, appointment moved to accountant's office, appointment moved to accountant's brother-in-law's office in abandoned strip mall, followed (most likely) by audit completion some six months later.  It will feel like a real and true audit experience--minus the food-encrusted financial records with smelly dwarf hamster droppings!  So, grab your General Ledger and calculator and we'll see you for the season premier!  

Mitt & Obama Simultaneously Select the RESTLESS AUDITOR as VP!

Oh, happy day!  (Singing and clapping in background.)
 
It’s a first in the history of our “country.”  I got the exciting news of my selection last night while I was walking the trail looking for dinner.  I hardly could believe it when my good friend Mitt called me on my 1992-circa cell phone.  Imagine my shock when Obama called a few minutes later.  (I guess current VP Biden plagiarized his birth certificate or inhaled it, or something else quite naughty.  Also, he talks way too much.  He’s apparently out, but this is all real hush-hush.  Don’t tell anyone, Frank!)  Anyway, I’m sure neither one would mind me making the announcement today seeing as I'm kind of excited and all. 
 
What to do…what to do?  In the service of my country, the Restless Auditor stands ready to become the VP pick by coin toss.  Wait…I see a problem with that.  What if, for example, I decide to join Mitt, then the dark side wins?
 
The only choice is “Yes” to both.  In a first in the history of the USA (I think), the Restless Auditor expresses his willingness and (shaking) excitement to undertake this new chapter in the old book of life.  Why, I am so excited, I have to change my shirt again!
 
(Also, I just adore talking about myself in the third person!  After all, he/I is great!!!)

(Also, don't forget to download my new App as soon as it comes out sometime within the next couple years, or so!)

Rockin' Oregon Accountant Party!

It's strange, but just having moved to Salem, Oregon twenty years, or so, ago and having no close friends, acquaintances, or pets yet, the internet has been my communication lifeline.  Some of my internet friends just made me aware of a rockin' party tonight just off of someplace called Collins Cove here in Oregon's capital capitol.  Looking forward to catchin' the whole accounting online gang in the "real world" tonight.  See ya there!  PS.  BYOC! (Bring your own calculators!!)

Restless Auditor Not Yet Leaving Twitter!!

Bewilderingly, I am indeed still here.  Don't understand it, but that's the long and short of the situation.  In other news, experiencing continuity problems in my life today.  More on that later perhaps--but someone's going to be receiving a strongly worded letter!

Restless Auditor Leaving Twitter?

My whole novel on the exciting and controversial world of PI has taken up a great deal more time than even I anticipated.  So, I have tentatively decided to withdraw my Twitter account.  No worries, though!  I have quietly hacked a friend's twitter and plan to surreptitiously post my random thoughts there from time to time.  I don't think he'll mind.


No promises, then, but Restless Auditor's exciting twitter feed will likely vanish in a poof of vanishing air later this week.  Stand by for updates (on twitter?).  I'm confused.


PS.  Frank had an interesting suggestion.  If I get another ten, or so, followers this week, I might consent to leaving it up a little longer--or taking it down sooner.

Harnessing the Power of Ambiguous Communication

(This photo has absolutely nothing to do with article!)

You don't have to be a rocket scientist, or even an overpaid and under-qualified engineer, to recognize the importance of keeping your boss constantly guessing.  Coming to work at wildly different times, long incoherent or mildly catatonic episodes, selling Amway products during office hours, no hygiene practices--these are all examples of behaviors that could set you apart from the lemon-smelling lemming crowd--if you took the chance to be different.  After all, shouldn't you become the change your afraid to count upon tomorrow?  (Saying available in cute kitten posters!)

Supervisors respect and highly praise creative business people who, for example, manage their Ebay business simultaneously with their boring daily "jobs."  Another way to set yourself apart is your communication.  If you're tired and irritable, it's a great time to send an important e-mail or have that big meeting with your boss.  Strive in your messages for ambiguity and a vague mysterious quality.  For instance, here's a great example of a message my friend Sven sent to his supervisor at the fish processing center in Anacortes, Washington.

Dear Bob,

I hear something big may be happening tonight, so I wanted to let you know that I wasn't involved in any way.  Sadly, I can't come in tomorrow to work the krab line because of certain particular conditions which may negatively impact our work environment.  If you need me, I'll be up at the cabin.   No cell service, but why don't you drive on up?  I'll see you before you see me, so I'll be sure to catch you on the other side!

...Sven   

The above message is so confusing and mysterious that it will just put a smile on the supervisor's face!  Strive for ambiguity so that you can change your intended meanings later to suit your needs.  Enjoy!


Psst...Another great little phrase is "larger issues."