I am somewhat angry today. You may have noticed my 95 Theses to which to your door were securely taped on October 31st. Those 95 Theses were indeed attached to your door by me, The Restless Auditor. I hope you will take the opportunity to read them thoroughly and become familiar with the logical thinking evidenced throughout the many crayon-scrawled pages. For your reference, I have included here my top 10 of the 95 Theses. (Unlike inferior 95 Theses of past, mine has links!)
1. Please return your neighbor's Prius to Koi pond. (I changed my mind, and it looks best there.)
2. Please send back my Colbert poster, as I need to put it on "Ebay" in order to finance new hobby and pay associated legal costs.
3. While I recently flattened your duck with the Prius, I neglected to retrieve said duck. Do you still have it? (Practicing taxidermy in preparation for the passing of my great, great, twice-removed cousin; she's got a bad cold, and I am optimistic.)
4. Meeting minutes should be taken only by someone authorized to hear the secret accounting words of our order.
5. There should be candy, peanuts, and foamy alcoholic drinks at our meetings. I also like pretzels.
6. There should be fewer old men and additional younger women at all of our gatherings. (Frank's fine if he wears a wig and lipstick.)
7. Speaking of meetings...I should be allowed to attend Society of Financial Proctologist's meetings, gatherings, and shindigs--when not within "fifty feet of Mr. Bubbason's residence, or any building or structure where people gather."
8. Why didn't anyone follow-up with me about the uniform idea? Was matching underwear going too far?
9. My other cousin, the one who stars occasionally on the CSI SUV ASAP at the AARP, would like to know why he can't join--since he plays an auditor on public access television? (He also has access to alcoholic beverages, which could be useful reference #5.
10. I still don't entirely understand the whole "Restraining Order" thing. We're still on for the big accounting party, right? I'll have my special Ledger!
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