Dear Mr. Colbert,
I heard with great excitemet your need for a brain in jar for your Super PAC. * Now, I realize that you already have one brain in jar, but I suggest you discard that one and keep mine (until term of service expires). You wil find mine mucho better.
Brain was mailed to you earlier today. Please advise when arrives, and, as alluded to earlier, please return when done. I was somewhat surprised that it fit in such a small shipping container. Please advise if any other brains are needed; my cat stands ready to help you at this important time in our nation's ---blah---blah---blah.
Why do I smell purple? Ouch.
*Thankfully, ABC News ran this segment immediately following a stool softener commercial, which I was unable to mute in time. Appreciate hearing that, ABC. Aging demographic?