Cat Tossing

It's no mystery that I am sometimes called the "cat whisperer" by my friends.  Both of them (my friends) certainly must have noticed my deep understanding and connection with cats.

Of particular note today, I'd like to share my cat's all-time favorite activity--cat tossing.  (This ranks right up there with twirling him around high in the air.)  I can tell how much he enjoys it because of the sweet hissing sound he makes when I gently pose the question, "Cat toss time?"  He also sometimes pretends to make for the door.  Silly cat.


Staring at me wide-eyed, my silly cat fluffs up his hair and hisses gently as he awaits this airborne fun.  Strangely, he sometimes inflicts small ouchies after I retrieve him.  I assume this is due to the excitement of this fun activity!  (It's time to put cat juggling to rest once and for all, but more on that some other time.)

Anyway, I hope you can enjoy cat tossing for yourself. It's a great holiday treat for your cat!

Breaking Financial News!!! + Personal Austerity Plan for Prosperity

Some of you may have heard of the conference at which I currently find myself--in beautiful and mild North Dakota.  I was shocked to learn today that we may be headed towards an economic crisis.  Since I always try to bring you the financial news sooner rather than later, I left the class early in order to convey the breaking news to you, my readers.


This economic downturn, sometimes referred to as a

rescission, means you may have to learn how to do less with more.  This prospect need not alarm you, however, because you have the Restless Auditor in your corner!  

Below, I will outline six ways to cut expenses and six exciting ways to transform your personal revenue stream from a gentle brook to thundering rivers of financial goodness.  I call this my Personal Austerity Plan for Prosperity.  Please bear in mind that while I do play a doctor on television, I am actually not a qualified attorney or law enforcement officer--except in Idaho--so best to check with your local constabulary and all.  Oh, some of these suggestions may also result in some neighborly squabbles, too.  

Cut Expenses 

1.  Bill your pizzas to your neighbor.

2.  Use credit cards for most routine and daily expenses.  (Apply for more lines of credit, too!)

3.  Take out large equity loans to fund your lavish vacations--as well as the dwarf hamster evening-wear start-up idea.

4.  Start hoarding small animals (cats, rabbits, goats, horses, etc.) to take your mind off the above, as well as possible furry food source (ffs).  Think protein.

5.  Stop using lights and heat.  (Alternatively, splice into neighbor's power.)

6.  Learn to dumpster dive, or, as I like to call it, doing the dumpster backstroke.


7.  (BONUS!)  If James Franco is working for you, just let him go; he's over-priced.

Income Increasers 

1.  Get a job thingy.  (risky)

2.  Work from home in spare time.

3.  Turn your gold into cash at Bubba's.  (Bubba uses fair 1931 gold rates in his exchange calculations.  You can trust that Bubba has your gold's best interest in mind.)

4.  Rent or sell neighbor's home while on vacation.

5.  Pet ransoming (not recommended for some larger breeds or goldfish).

6.  Obtain coupons free from Extreme Couponers!  (Let them do all the clipping!)  First, find an EC.  Second, point and say excitedly, "Free Ketchup!"  Third, take all coupons within reach.  Fourth, leave for a while, then return.  Repeat scenario with "mustard" exclamation for lots more fun!

7.  (BONUS!)  Don't calculate daily balances in your checkbook.  Get what you need and just don't worry about it.  Sort it all out around the 25th, or so.

Whether you employ all, or just a few of these wonderful techniques for savings, you'll soon be saving and scrimping to a life of bliss.  (After all, most prisons feed you well these days, and they have cable!)

Until next time....

Important Christmas Safety & Security Tips

I come to you today from our annual auditor conference in beautiful and cheery Minot, North Dakota.  As we pulled away from the ol' house at 3686 Restless Auditor Way and the horses started in at a good gallop, it occurred to me that perhaps burying that box of Krugerrands in the backyard was not such a great idea after all.  What if a meteor hits and vaporizes everything while we're enjoying a life of luxury in Minot? 


At any rate, this is as good a time as any to share some of the holiday safety tips which I've gleaned from years of gleaning.  Now, first things first, this whole internet thing makes it way too easy to share vital important details with total strangers.  For instance, if I were to disclose on a public blog that I keep $10,000 in cash in the oven and that the "Beware of Dog" sign on the property is a blatant lie,  (Truth be known, our pitbull, Betsy Boo, is the sweetest creature.  Sometimes, we even remember to feed her. She doesn't like people, though.  Eventually, the therapy sessions should cure her of this, or so I am told (by Animal Counselor Dr. Rev. Priestess Spring Winters.)  Time will tell, as it so often does.)  then that could be said to be kind of "foolish."


You see, some people comb the internet for fluffy bunny slippers, some for breaking auditor news, and others are up to mischievous behavior.  Yes, it's true.  Some people use the internet for less than honorable purposes.  It is hard to believe, I know.  I won't go into examples, except for Community Organizers, but you get my drift.  Oh, there are also people who will steal your id, but, at least, they are said to leave behind your ego and super-ego. 


I'm afraid I've lost my train of thought, and I seem to be sitting alone on the caboose of this train, so...I must leave now.  


If you wouldn't mind keeping an eye on 3686 Restless Auditor Way while we're gone, we'd sure be grateful.  (We'd send you a zucchini if it were the summer--but maybe we have some old ones outside.  Help yourself!) I've got this feeling I might have left the stove on, and the front door is likely unlocked with the big screen television right there in the living room--next to our collection of 24 ct gold nose rings.  Makes a guy nervous, you know.  Also, please watch out for flaming meteors.  Good night!


In case you don't hear from me again until 2012, Merry Christmas from the whole gang here at the Restless Auditor!  (Keep those General Ledgers clean and watch those deductions.)

Auditors Unite in Fury & Occupy the "Oregonian" is Born...

While I strive to obtain all of my news and in-depth analysis from the Entertainment Section of Google News, a story popped onto my radar today like a pop tart leaping for an eight-year-old.  It held me fast, and I read it with sad astonishment and unhappy consternation.  


I'm sure that this Wendy Owen writer for the Oregonian thingy is good and all, but let this be considered my official "LETTER TO THE EDITOR" concerning the topic about which I am about to impart to you regarding said matter of grave importance.


Prepare yourselves to be deeply offended.  The following quote from Ms. Owen's article is attributed to a Karen Spencer at some up and coming technology company called Intel.  (Never heard of 'em, by the way.)  Please pay close attention to the first sentence from the aforementioned article in the prior-mentioned paper thingy. 


"They don't sit in cubes and work by themselves and mumble all day long," said Karen Spencer, Intel global education integration director. "It's a place where ideas turn into reality..."


Blah, blah, blah, blah...  Excuse me, but that sentence above seems to strongly imply and/or insinuate that something is "wrong" with (1) sitting by yourself all day long in a cubicle and (2) mumbling.  Fine, perhaps engineers (said with scorn and appropriate derision) frown on this sort of thing, but please note that this is the bedrock, no, the very sacred foundation, on which the exciting field of auditing is based: we sit and we mumble.


So, please put down your General Ledgers for a moment, my auditor friends (and Frank, too) and join me in Occupy the Oregonian.  We won't leave until they offer a complete retraction--or, at least a half dozen donuts and some good coffee.  Who's with me? (Don't mumble!)