Late Night Stalker Swim in the Koi Pond & Cat Tossing

To: Mr. Bubbason's Secretary ("Sylvia"),


I was deeply offended to recently be accused of stalking Mr. Bubbason, current President of the Society of Financial Proctologists--and new guest star from CSI SUV ASAP at the AARP.  The accusation made me so furious that I stormed over to his koi pond late that night.  I just needed to get away from all the voices in my brain.

Much to my disappointment, however, the voices followed me to the koi pond.  I was further much annoyed to find the Prius back in the water, but the fish did seem to be enjoying it.  After watching the bedroom window for a while and thinking about the unfairness of the whole stalker label, I decided to call it a day.  Sadly, my clothes were missing.  This put me in a rather "awkward" position--actually several awkward positions.  

Fortunately, I remembered my stash of clothes in the upper branches of your poplar.  It proved difficult, however, to climb the poplar in my wet condition.  When your cat wandered by, I remembered cat tossing!  After making friends with the apprehensive feline, I attached some string to her and tossed her up into the poplar.  I hit my clothes pile with the first cat toss!  The cat was not keen on returning to the ground, but eventually pulling the string brought the cat and clothes falling out of the tree.


That's when the cat ouchie took place.  The cut was small, but, I was so angry with the cat that I placed her back in the Prius.  (She doesn't like the water much.)  Returning to my clothes pile beneath the poplar, I found a raccoon starting to wander off with said clothing.  By throwing one of your old vases from the Chinese garden, I was able to ward it off.  I think it headed to your dog door.  (The raccoon--not the vase.)


Soon, I was back in my house.  Except, then I realized where I had left my clothes...and my key: the Prius.  So...if you could please return my keys and clothes in the back seat of the submerged Prius, it would be appreciated.  If you don't know where the car is, just ask your cat!  


Again, please leave your sprinklers off (and retire to bed early) on Tuesday!  


By the way...did you know that owning your own special part of the Restless Auditor is now within your/my grasp?  You may either select my hair or the official RA Mug!  (I suggest my hair.  The pile is quickly growing!)

Restless Auditor's Top 10 Posts of All Time!

Since I'm procrastinating a really serious project, I thought this was a perfect time for the Top Ten List.  These are the ten most popular posts of all time--well, since the Restless Auditor became your close and personal friend.  (I love talking about myself in the third person!)  


So, here we goes.  Follow me and don't look back!  (By the way, I began with the most popular, because I don't like building up to things--too much tension and anticipation.)


I do apologize, but neither Stephen Colbert nor Jerry Seinfeld responded with any comment concerning tonight's post.  Briefly, I thought  Rainn Wilson was going to say something, but, no.  Then, for a shining moment, I was fairly sure John Hodgman might offer a word, but he also...  Ahem...  Anyway, here it is.




1.  Society of Financial Proctologists, a Koi Pond, Colbert, and a Duck  


2.  Sorry About the Prius in the Koi Pond (& Colbert Thingy)

3.  Thanks for the Apology, StumbleUpon

4.  Breaking Update on Koi Pond Saga...and Digression on Men in Tights 

5.  Jerry Seinfeld Coming to ABC's "The River" (New Comedy)? + **BONUS** Krispy Kudos for Microsoft 


6.  The Mystery of Mr. Bubbason's Transposed BMW

7.  Almost Jury Duty Time!  (a personal favorite, except on Tuesdays)


8.  Breaking Financial News!!! + Personal Austerity Plan for Prosperity


9.  Important Christmas Safety & Security Tips

.....and now for the #10 blog posting.

10.  Auditors Unite in Fury & Occupy the "Oregonian" is Born...




I hope you have enjoyed tonight's special episode of the Restless Auditor!

Society of Financial Proctologists, a Koi Pond, Colbert, and a Duck

To: Mr. Bubbason, SFP


Re: Late Night Visit and Related Issues




Late last night I made an ill-advised phone call to your secret cell phone.  After I hung-up and tossed my disposable phone out my window, it occurred to me that some of the descriptive terms employed within said message were less than neighborly--or auditorly.  That being the case, I decided I needed to make amends.  I proceeded straight to your secluded residence a little after midnight.  


As I wandered your manicured lawns and poked around your private spaces, I had two to four main goals in mind.  First, avoid your sprinklers.  Second, erase message on the cell phone.  Third, leave behind my autographed picture of Stephen Colbert--for whom I may soon be offering my brain in jar for Super Pac consulting opportunity--as a gesture of my good will.  Fourth, avoid your sprinklers.


I was not, however, made aware of your two new dogs.  Instead of heading into your house where I usually do (you know the 1st floor library bathroom window you leave ajar?), I had to make a life/death decision and make entry via the dog door.  Sadly, this really wasn't a good choice.  (Please return the seat of my black pants, if found.)  


After wandering to and fro for a while, I finally located your cell phone on top of your bedside table.  I accessed your voice mail and deleted the inappropriate message.  After heading back downstairs at 2:35am, I stubbed my toe on your bear rug in the Great Hall.  Unfortunately, this caused me to drop the Colbert picture in your wet bar.  Stephen is  at the bar.  


Truth be known, I was a little upset at this point.  On the way back out to that hole in your south fence, I happened across your neighbor's Prius.  I was so impressed with its successful removal from the pond, that I'm afraid I bumped it (or maybe released the brake and put it in neutral).  It's indeed likely that this hybrid vehicle may have rolled back into the pond a second time.

That's not necessarily the worst of it, though.  Rolling down the fairway grass on its journey to said pond, the little hybrid pancaked a sleeping mallard.  As your two dogs had apparently been investigating the duck, it may have also hit them.  In the process of attempting to recover the duck (duck a l'orange is a favorite), I somehow managed to activate the water supply to your pond.  The pretty water rushed in so fast!  It was fun to watch for a few minutes, but, as your backyard began to disappear, I was getting sleepy.  


At any rate, I know that I was successful in removing the message, because I still have your cell phone.  Isn't that funny!?  Also, I deleted the other messages--to be safe, you know.  Incidentally, who's Sylvia whom you're meeting at "our special place?"  Be sure to tell her hi from me!  She sounds like a nice girl.


Returning back to the ol' homestead, I found your package in my mail slot.  I guess I haven't checked the mail in a few days.  What is a "Restraining Order" exactly?  Although my cousin plays a small recurring role in CSI SUV ASAP @ the AARP, I'm afraid my legal skills are not as strong as his are--at least when he's sober.


Look forward to working out those membership details!  I'm sure we'll have this all behind us in no time.  




Best Regards,




The Restless Auditor




PS.  If you are reading this, I ask that you please, please don't click on the cute, fluffy animal down below.  Also, be sure not to check me out on Twitter. Thank you--and good night.

Don't click me!!!

Breaking News...  


Restless Auditor Drinking Things Now Available. (Stiff drink of warm milk not included with this offer--yet.)

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