The Mystery of Mr. Bubbason's Transposed BMW

It made me mad.  For my computer to accuse me of an illegal operation really cooked my chicken (pardon the language).  On top of it all, when my colleague mentioned there was a corrupt file within the master client database, I put my foot down and deleted all client accounts going back to 1995.  One can't be too safe when it comes to allegations of corruption, you know.  Don't know why IT was hopping around so much, so I left.  They were a riled bunch--but, truth be known, they usually are.


Being in a bit of mischievous mood, I located Mr. Bubbason by using the GPS transponder I hid on his BMW.  As usual, he was visiting the drug store for more Metamucil.  Using the key copy I've had for several weeks now, I intended to drive his BMW just a few spaces away and re-park it for some harmless motor vehicle fun, but I became disoriented and confused.  Perhaps it was on account of the biker or maybe that kid yelling at me, or maybe the old lady's poodle I "bumped."  Next thing I know, I'm driving around the block.  The one-way streets were a little confusing, though, and I may have gotten a little lost. It took a while to find the right drugstore again.  (Oh, I also stopped and used some of my slush fund dollars to purchase a slushy.)


By the time I made it back to the drug store lot, Mr. B was aimlessly wandering around the far side of the parking area with his large shopping bag of orange-flavored Metamucil.  Carefully, I parked the BMW back in its original spot and ran off into the street where I watched safely and inconspicuously from the turn lane.  It took him a good five more minutes to find that BMW.  He had such a cute expression, though!  Silly, Mr. Bubbason.  After that, I called it a day, and began looking for the horse again.  (Its key fob alarm doesn't have very good range.) 


I don't know how that man became the president of the Society of Financial Proctologists...  In fact, I think I should be the president instead, but I need to find a dwarf hamster to whom I can attach my listening devices before my devious plan of society domination can be undertaken with wicked and stealthy steps.  I also need to clean my shoes.  Stupid horse.


PS.  In case you were wondering, my boxed brain has started to leak badly, and it smells not so fresh now.  Is this what they mean by having an open mind?  I'm confused.  Still hope to return to Colbert, but it better be soon.  Don't like cleaning up after myself twice.

Open Letter to Stephen Colbert / Brain in Jar Mailed

Dear Mr. Colbert,


I heard with great excitemet your need for a brain in jar for your Super PAC. *    Now, I realize that you already have one brain in jar, but I suggest you discard that one and keep mine (until term of service expires).  You wil find mine mucho better.


Brain was mailed to you earlier today.  Please advise when arrives, and, as alluded to earlier, please return when done.  I was somewhat surprised that it fit in such a small shipping container.  Please advise if any other brains are needed; my cat stands ready to help you at this important time in our nation's ---blah---blah---blah.


Why do I smell purple?  Ouch.


*Thankfully, ABC News ran this segment immediately following a stool softener commercial, which I was unable to mute in time.  Appreciate hearing that, ABC.  Aging demographic?




http://restlessauditor.blogspot.com

Find my Tweets & Win a Signed Chart of Accounts!

I usually give Frank a hard time on account of his below average looks, voice, family history, peculiar fish odor, work habits, odd food preferences, and Frank.  This time, though, he's made a worthwhile suggestion.  Frank reminded me that I do have a Twitter account, which, believe it or not, had slipped my mind entirely.  So, here it is...


"Tweets" on Twitter in the Twittersphere




So, I, the Restless Auditor, will examine Twitter following in thirty-days.  If my following has tripled (isn't that a funny looking word?), I will use my awe-inspiring numeric abilities to randomly select one user.  That lucky person will be offered either a signed chart of account template (that means a generic one, Frank) or  a signed picture.  If you want neither, the cash value of said promotional item(s) will be donated to the Restless Auditor's slushy fund.  


Also, please be advised I won't permit Frank to touch either of these prizes--so no worries about odor transfer!


Hope you can stop by!




http://restlessauditor.blogspot.com

Magical IRS Hold Music Coming to iTunes in 2012?

Have you heard the happy news?  Oh, yeah!  Before you know it, you'll no longer have to call 800-829-1040 on your desk speaker phone just to listen to fine music at your cubicled workstation.    


My fellow auditors, accountants, CPAs, Enrolled Agents, entry-level payroll clerks, mailroom staff, and Frank...it's true!  I have it from a well-placed source placed well within the food services sector in Minot that 2012 will be the exciting year that IRS's on-hold music comes to iTunes!  Be sure to write iTunes today to ensure the release makes it to our ears as fast as possible!  


Spread the word!






PS.  Technically challenged and in need of more Restless Auditor to make it through your day?  Perfectly understandable condition.  Please copy/paste the "URL" thingy below, then "follow."  Don't forget to also send large donation to ensure we can continue with our selfless public service mission.  Thank you!


PPS.  Did you know that you can find official Restless Auditor musings on Twitter?  


http://restlessauditor.blogspot.com

Society of Financial Proctologists, a Koi Pond, Colbert, and a Duck

To: Mr. Bubbason, SFP


Re: Late Night Visit and Related Issues




Late last night I made an ill-advised phone call to your secret cell phone.  After I hung-up and tossed my disposable phone out my window, it occurred to me that some of the descriptive terms employed within said message were less than neighborly--or auditorly.  That being the case, I decided I needed to make amends.  I proceeded straight to your secluded residence a little after midnight.  


As I wandered your manicured lawns and poked around your private spaces, I had two to four main goals in mind.  First, avoid your sprinklers.  Second, erase message on the cell phone.  Third, leave behind my autographed picture of Stephen Colbert--for whom I may soon be offering my brain in jar for Super Pac consulting opportunity--as a gesture of my good will.  Fourth, avoid your sprinklers.


I was not, however, made aware of your two new dogs.  Instead of heading into your house where I usually do (you know the 1st floor library bathroom window you leave ajar?), I had to make a life/death decision and make entry via the dog door.  Sadly, this really wasn't a good choice.  (Please return the seat of my black pants, if found.)  


After wandering to and fro for a while, I finally located your cell phone on top of your bedside table.  I accessed your voice mail and deleted the inappropriate message.  After heading back downstairs at 2:35am, I stubbed my toe on your bear rug in the Great Hall.  Unfortunately, this caused me to drop the Colbert picture in your wet bar.  Stephen is  at the bar.  


Truth be known, I was a little upset at this point.  On the way back out to that hole in your south fence, I happened across your neighbor's Prius.  I was so impressed with its successful removal from the pond, that I'm afraid I bumped it (or maybe released the brake and put it in neutral).  It's indeed likely that this hybrid vehicle may have rolled back into the pond a second time.

That's not necessarily the worst of it, though.  Rolling down the fairway grass on its journey to said pond, the little hybrid pancaked a sleeping mallard.  As your two dogs had apparently been investigating the duck, it may have also hit them.  In the process of attempting to recover the duck (duck a l'orange is a favorite), I somehow managed to activate the water supply to your pond.  The pretty water rushed in so fast!  It was fun to watch for a few minutes, but, as your backyard began to disappear, I was getting sleepy.  


At any rate, I know that I was successful in removing the message, because I still have your cell phone.  Isn't that funny!?  Also, I deleted the other messages--to be safe, you know.  Incidentally, who's Sylvia whom you're meeting at "our special place?"  Be sure to tell her hi from me!  She sounds like a nice girl.


Returning back to the ol' homestead, I found your package in my mail slot.  I guess I haven't checked the mail in a few days.  What is a "Restraining Order" exactly?  Although my cousin plays a small recurring role in CSI SUV ASAP @ the AARP, I'm afraid my legal skills are not as strong as his are--at least when he's sober.


Look forward to working out those membership details!  I'm sure we'll have this all behind us in no time.  




Best Regards,




The Restless Auditor




PS.  If you are reading this, I ask that you please, please don't click on the cute, fluffy animal down below.  Also, be sure not to check me out on Twitter. Thank you--and good night.

Don't click me!!!

Breaking News...  


Restless Auditor Drinking Things Now Available. (Stiff drink of warm milk not included with this offer--yet.)

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Sorry About the Prius in the Koi Pond (& Colbert Thingy)

Per paragraph 2 of the stipulated judgement forwarded to me today by Harrold Hummers, I would like to express my written apology to Bubba Clyve Bubbason, current president of the Society of Financial Proctologists.  It was indeed a very poor exercise in judgement to run your neighbor's Prius into your Koi pond.  Also, adding the pirana to the koi pond was not really neighborly of me.


Since we're taking a moment to air our dirty laundry, I'd like to pause to reflect on some other items.  To the lunchtime dinners of Franky's Pizzeria, you really should not have been eating the salad bar's tapioca.  To the Honorable Scott Deylander, I didn't realize that was a Chihuahua in your backyard when taking up falconry.  (I thought it was a rat.)  Really sorry 'bout that.  If you'd like, I can return several parts.


To Stephen Colbert, when you failed to accept my generous consulting offer for your Super Pac, I'm afraid I may have been momentarily upset.  It's possible I may have fired off a very angry letter to a Hell's Angel representative in your name.  It's true that I called the organization "a bunch of pansy boys in leather who care more about wearing their dresses on the weekends than riding their little trikes," but I'm sure they'll laugh amicably at the humour of it all.  (Oh, I also gave them your address and e-mail.)

Please also accept my apologies in advance reference the box you will be receiving later this week.  As long as you haven't visited South America in the last decade, you should be fine.  ...Did you happen to see Outbreak?


Anywho, that's about it.  Oh, wait, to that strange Wikipedia editor who runs the feral cat and poodle rescue service, I probably shouldn't have ordered those fur coats for you.  That was indeed unkind--but they are awful fuzzy.


Lastly, Bubba Clyve Bubbason, if you should happen to notice a short man wearing all black sneaking around outside your home late at night, please pay him no mind.  Also, would you mind turning off your automated sprinklers until Tuesday?  No reason...

PS.  Technically challenged and in need of more Restless Auditor to make it through your day?  Perfectly understandable condition.  Please copy/paste the "URL" thingy below, then "follow."  Don't forget to also send large donation to ensure we can continue with our selfless public service mission.  Thank you!

PPS.  Did you know that you can find official Restless Auditor musings on Twitter?  

http://restlessauditor.blogspot.com

Public Service Message Regarding Financial Proctology Exams

Membership status under review  seems rather harsh, don't you think?  Well, whether, or not, I am indeed an official card-carrying member of the Society of Financial Proctologists, I will always consider meself a member in the truest sense of the word.  Either way, I feel it is my profound and real obligation to remind my readers that April 15th is the date by which your financial proctology exam for 2011 should be completed.  

I urge you to not take this important civic duty lightly.  In fact, I suggest you celebrate on April 15th by wearing our official aluminum hat.  Every aluminum hat-wearing person I see on April 15th will give me warm fuzzies knowing how much of a difference I have made.  (It also helps with AM band reception.)

Meantime, I hope you're having as much fun as I am today sorting through the associated paperwork.  Don't you love financial puzzles--e.g. why am I saving a receipt for 100 squirrel feeders.  Gotta love it!  

PS.  Bubba Clyve Bubbason, president of SFP, are you wondering who drove the Prius into your koi pond?  It was I--you dimwitted and evil-smelling man.  Now, if you would be so kind as to call a tow company, it appears I may have driven your neighbor's car in by mistake.  I hope this will not have a negative impact on my membership status with SFP.  If so...please shred mail coming from me next week, and don't accept the delivery of the large box with airholes.    Thank you--you swine.  (Let us settle this once and for all--with a QuickBooks General Ledger duel.)

Fix the IRS!

Their on-hold music is terrible!  Please some political candidate....add this to your platform.  For the love of Pete, we gotta get this fixed, people!


Update:  Change of heart.  I now am growing strangley fond of their on-hold tunes.  Searching for the album.