Gray Slime Made Easy! (Also Great for Hair!)

Since 1976, Dan Aykroyd has been the esteemed founder and CEO of the Bassomatic.  While we all are familiar with the joy and wonder of our first glass of this fine beverage, did you also know that this is much more nutritious and satisfying than pink slime?  I bet you didn't know this, but it is indeed true.

Most importantly, it doesn't have to be bass!  Why just the other day, I walked by a co-worker and commented on her bass, but trout is actually much more effective and satisfying ingredient.  Here's how to to make gray slime in the comfort and privacy of your own home!  When we're ready to wrap up today's important post, I'll also include several down-home applications for this fine product!  Don't ignore gray slime for one more minute!

Easy to Follow Directions:

A.  We find the fishy things.  

1.  Charge batteries on all electronic devices.

2.  Find "books" you can actually read.  Avoid the classics because they can be hard.  (I recommend Restless Auditor Romance Novels.)

3.  Bring lots of red wine--or beer if it doesn't remind you of a public rest area in southern New Mexico.

4.  Fill backpack with lots of food and drinks for long outing.  This will be an adventure!    

5.  Bring fishing supplies.

6.  Go to fishing place.  Spend hours throwing little line in the water and waiting.

7.  Read and eat and wait.  Drink alcoholic beverage.

8.  Wait.  Scratch self inconspicuously.

9.  Swear once or twice.  Get into drunken brawl with man next to you.

10.  Throw fishing gear away.  Go to grocery store where you will "catch" at least three large trout.  (For added effect, take fish out of packaging and put in your creel (not krill).  Family and friends will be impressed!

B.  Creating Gray Slime!!!

1.  Find blender.

2.  Make a slight effort at removing a few scales, but don't worry too much.

3.  Cut off fishy tail.  (Don't worry it hurts him more than you.)

4.  Pour one cup of crushed ice cubes into blender.

5.  One teaspoon of vanilla extract.

6.  Two teaspoons of salt.

7.  Drop three trout into blender.

8.  Two tablespoons of kitchen compost.

9.  Blend and pour Liquid goodness!  

10.  Enjoy!  :)

Now that you are faced with a couple tall glasses of gray slime, what's next?  Its potential uses are as limitless as those for its inferior siblings, pink slime and green slime (grasshoppers).  

C-D/E.  Gray Slime Uses:

1.   Nutritional supplement.

2.  Work-at-home opportunity. 

3.  Christmas Gift (use fish bottles).   Great for your boss!

4.  Shampoo!  Yes, it so happens that gray slime is the prime ingredient of Limp & Gray Shampoo!  Just add some chalk powder and fresh elephant garlic, and you're ready to go.  It leaves your hair feeling like you just left Ballard!

5.  A gift for your cats!  Your cat will love you forever.  Get rid of those cans of cat food and give your cat the best!

6.  Great for office food days!  

7.  Instead of leaving out candy at your accounting cubicle, have a punch bowl of gray slime and little Dixie cups--and/or chicks.

8.  Add to deserts to enhance nutritional value.  

9.  Did you know that one cup of gray slime equals two cups of pink slime?  (This can't be helped.)

10.  Keep the rabbits away.  Spy rabbits don't like gray slime.  This ingredient will help keep their stares at bay, and the little rabbit voices will stay in the background of your brain thingy.

Turn your world gray with gray slime today!

The Great Neighborhood Chihuahua Giveaway!

Seeing as my neighbor's sweet rat-dog won't stop barking at anything and everything--and the eagles haven't arrived yet--I've decided to give it away to one of my fantastic readers!  If you've never owned one of these fine creatures, you're in for an exciting treat!  (Also, I hear they taste a lot like chicken.) 

Entry rules, please send me $5 and an essay on accounting string theory.  This contest also requires you to convince said neighbor to give you the dog.  Be creative!  You might refer to someone by the name of Tina, but that's just a friendly suggestion.  There are no guarantees here, but isn't life all about risk-taking?

Tune in next week, when I attempt to rent neighbor's home while he's out of state!

IRS App Review (Including New Feature Options!)

I got to say that I love the new IRS2Go App!  I never knew how much fun I could have with my iPhone!  (Did you know there are one or two other Apps, too?  Even a few entertainment ones--so I hear.)


I subscribed to the enhanced version of this App in order to unlock the gold level features.  Below are just a few of the special functions this fine App opens for responsible and mature users.


1.  Browse neighbor's tax returns.


2.  Lookup SSNs for friends and neighbors!  Or, use the new stealth feature to really sock-it to your enemies!


3.  Combine Stealth feature with the new Stalker Menu to unearth all those financial secrets!


4.  Stumble-a-Return.  Randomized corporate return feature to browse at your leisure.


5.  The Report a Friend Feature is also new--and totally awesome!  I've submitted tips now on at three good friends, and this gives me at least fifteen gold coin credits towards the "Super Special and Very Restricted Menu!"  (Don't forget you can also upload photos.)


6.  Games!  I love the financial puzzle games.   I guess the arcade style shoot-em-ups are okay, too.  But I get tired of only being able to be the IRS guy in the black trench-coat and sunglasses.  Why can't I play the role of the Tax Protestor?


7.  Social Networking options are limitless.  Just go to the social networking sub-menu on the IRS2Go, and you'll immediately see what I mean! 


8.  Call an IRS Agent at home.  This is one of my favorite new options for enhanced version subscribers.  I've been calling some guy named Douglas H. Shulman for the past few nights, but sometimes I think he doesn't like the late night calls...

9.  Chip embedding in one's arm is also a great new feature to be rolled out soon.  It comes with a bar code, too!

10.  Pizza locator.  Find great pizza fast!  (menu 2bc(3))




Legal Disclaimer:  It's been pointed out that IRS folks aren't always the most humor-loving people.  So, that being the case, I would like to make abundantly clear that the writing above is satire.   It's a humor piece, people!  Get over it!

Paying Attention to Attention Spans

Usually, I am loathe to convey my own "personal" feelings within this serious accounting blog, but I think it's important to pass along something that's really bothered me--a lot-like.  

Have you noticed how short our attention spans are these days?  I mean, you expect kids to be kind of slow that way, but the other day I was giving a carefully crafted presentation on llama procreation as an illustration for the importance of generally accepted accounting principles in one's personal life.  it was fascinating stuff, but people were actually looking at the window and checking their watches.  I think this is symptomatic of a larger societal ill which deserves our immediate attention.  What follows is my comprehensive analysis on the issue followed by a five-step guide for correcting this problem before the year's up.  I hope you all find it as meaningful as Frank did.

If there's one dish I enjoy, it's a good bowl of clam chowder. We've sampled clam chowder in fine restaurants from Victoria to Monteray, and I really can honestly say that our recipe is hard to beat. That said, my recipe owes a debt of gratitude to my own family. In fact, perhaps I should call it Eastern Washington Clam Chowder? No, I guess not.

Besides never scalding the milk, the central thing to keep in mind for this recipe is to keep experimenting and perfecting it. That's one aspect I enjoy--that each batch is slightly different than before. I usually add a one or two of a rotating list of seafood together with the clams: shrimp, crab, scallops, smoked salmon, etc. (Freshly caught seafood is particularly good, but make sure you have selected the right kind of clams if you've dug them yourself. Sadly...the Ericksons are not the best clam diggers.)

I also recommend making it correctly the first couple times before trying to concoct a healthy version. After all, this isn't a side dish, it's the meal. We almost never use real cream, for instance, but it does greatly improve the texture and flavor.


Ingredients

almost five pounds of cut and peeled potatoes
4-6 small cans of clams or 1 of the large can
half a stick of butter
2 diced onions
about a quart of whipping creme
1-2 cups of 1% or 2%
*have available instant mashed potatoes

Seasoning (to taste)

salt
cracked pepper
dried parsley
basil (fresh preferred)
oregano
Be creative!

At the same time your boiling the potatoes, begin to saute the cut onions in a skillet with some butter. Once the potatoes are sufficiently tender, remove from the heat. Cook the onions until they begin to become translucent. If the potatoes are too big, cut to smaller pieces. (You can cut them within the pot and save time.) Carefully, pour out a little more than half of the potato water. Add sautéed onions to potatoes, followed by the rest of the ingredients. Don't add the milk or whipping creme yet!

Once everything has come to a gentle boil, add the milk and whipping creme last. Keep stirring and lower the heat. This prevents the milk from scalding. If the consistency is not right, slowly stir in instant mashed potatoes. Keep in mind, however, that using too much can really ruin the chowder--especially for the next night.

Everyone (except me) in my household likes ice cold peas dropped on top of the chowder to help cool it down at serving time. I still believe that this is a great affront to the chowder gods. Consequently, you will not see peas in my chowder--unless, of course, my wife Kimberly has prepared it. :)

Suggested toppings: crumbled pepper bacon or oyster crackers.

Variations: try cooking the potatoes in half water / half homemade chicken broth.

There, you have it.  That's my analysis and recommendation concerning the serious loss of attention spans.  We'll catch you on the other side  (of the week, I am not actually referring to "death" here--at least not consciously)!!

Take Your Trash to Work Day!

In exciting partnership with Cherriots Salem-Keizer Transit, Monday is Take Your Trash to Work Day in Salem!  While you can, of course, pile the garbage bags in your own vehicle when you leave for the office, may I recommend using convenient public transit on Monday?  When you climb aboard one of these luxurious and sparkling-clean buses, take your seat in confidence.  Don't worry about bothering people--sit next to anyone!  We all do our part to make Salem a better place. 


This is an important effort in being Green and Sustainable.  After all, what happens if you lose garbage service?  You need a place to take it, right?


Cherriots does ask that you use white garbage bags only.  Also, kitty litter is fine!  There are no restrictions on bag content!  Oh, wait....  I'm told they would prefer no medical waste or toxic sludge.  So, just a few small restrictions on this fantastic offer!


Do your part to be Green on Monday!  We hope you appreciate this Restless Auditor-Cherriots sponsored event!  Future events may include take your neighbor to work day!




Legal Disclaimer:  It's been pointed out that attorneys aren't always the most humor-loving people.  So, that being the case, I would like to make abundantly clear that the writing above is satire.   It's a humor piece, people!  Get over it!

Oregon's Clown Exclusion, ORS 998.093?

Here at the headquarters of the Restless Auditor, we're proud to be the sole news source for a number of our informed readers.  We take our mission to keep you informed very seriously.  This being the case, I'd like to share the mysterious "lost statute," which was recently unearthed in a capitol garbage bin.  Conspiracy or oversight?  The question that begs an answer (as they so often do) is was it lost...or hidden by someone or something?  

ORS 998.093  Employment; certain clowning and monkey business activities excluded.

“Employment” shall not include clowning activities as performed by those persons certified and licensed under the World Clown Association of Greater Scappoose.  This exclusion will apply only to said activities after the application of initial white face paint AND the wearing of the required large red nose (hereafter referred to as LRN).  Any services performed before the application of said white face paint and LRN shall be considered subject employment.  If any unpainted assistant, including, but not limited to a human being, monkey, rabbit, or dwarf hamster, is working with or within twenty-feet of aforementioned clown, then the cash value of any remuneration received or directed towards said person/animal is subject in full.  (If the otherwise excluded clowning activities occur within a boat engaged in downriver rafting while the clown is also attempting to sell insurance products, the clown must immediately forfeit his LRN.)

“Employment” shall also not include activities falling under the category of “monkey business,” except when said activities take place on a Tuesday evening when a full moon is present.  (For monkey business definition, please see “Bill Sizemore.”)  If monkey business and excluded clowning activities take place concurrently or consecutively, any subject value shall be determined by a coin toss.  In the event that aforementioned services take place in Vernonia, however, the person/animal may subcontract another person/animal to complete the coin toss in the presence of a certified coin toss judge and appropriate spectators.  If these clowning or monkey business activities take place on the first Wednesday of the month, all spectators must first count backwards from twenty-four—definitely not twenty-five nor twenty-three—and they must stop before reaching five, but after reaching six.  If any activities take place on a Monday, all bets are off.

Marriage Counseling from the Restless Auditor!

Having been married now for several weeks to what's-her-face, I think I'm in a position to offer some advice to even the old-timers out there.  They say that the poor economy is great for counselors and divorce attorneys, so I figure I better get some of this business--if you know what I mean.

In part 1 of this (as yet uncharted) series on marriage enrichment, I'd like to focus today on "communication."  Now, a lot of people think that communication refers to two people, but that's not necessarily the case.  You see, sometimes personal communication with yourself is important, too.  For instance, I might go to an ice cream store, because I think I want ice cream.  I get there, though, and it's like...okay, why am I here?

You see where I'm going with this?  Well, okay let's look at llamas as an alternative illustration for the sake of clarity and specificity.  Suppose you have a rabbit named Frankie and the llama's named Buster.  Now, Buster and Frankie get together one day and decide that they need to go to Wal-Mart.  They head out, but on the way Buster steps on Frankie.  The rabbit is flattened out like a cheap IHOP pancake from the day before, but that's not my point. (Or is it?  I'm confused.)

My point is where was the Wal-Mart?  Was it nearby, or was it down the street a ways?  Because, there is the rub, my friend. Sometimes communication is shrouded in mystery and sometimes it's as clear as the nose on Frank's ugly face.  

You gotta know what you want and when you want it.  Marriage, after all, is a 85% / 15% relationship.  The woman is clearly responsible for the larger 85% area of responsibility, and the man just needs to make sure that he has a place to put his smelly feet.  

I feel like the pills I took may be causing some issues, so let me end with a personal example concerning this thing I call "communication."  The other day my wifey was lost in deep thought, mulling over some serious issue or another.  With great delight, I realized she wasn't listening to me, so I took the opportunity to ask her about buying a new truck for my audits, rabbit head rack for the living room, and that I was considering taking up smoking and chewing tobacco--on alternate Saturday afternoons.  Of course she approved it all!  This is an example of expert communication for the married couple.

Well, gotta scoot!  It looks like I'm sleeping the couch again.