Having a Pat the Bunny Kind of Day!

You ever have the kind of day where you just retreat under your desk with your Pat the Bunny book, a calculator, and a bag of frozen peas?  I find it a restful and rewarding method to achieve inner peas. 

Sincere apologies to Random House, Dorothy Kunhardt, Unitarians, Birdseye Frozen Peas, and bunnies everywhere.  In fact, apologies also to squirrels, because that's the kind of guy I am.  I care.

Black Wednesday Disappointments

Although I was waiting alone in front of Best Buy last night until 2:30am, no one ever did come by--except for George. George is apparently the night security person there.  He also happens to have a drinking problem and a bad case of halitosis, but I digress.  (He also suspects his wife of having an affair with an auditor.  Poor schmuck.)

Best Buy, please accept my strongest expression of disappointment as I really needed some new socks.  Your failure to follow the schedule posted in the men's room at the Greyhound station was really upsetting.   I hope it won't happen again!  You probably lost one or two customers--not to mention shoplifters.

PS  Happy Thanksgiving!

95 Theses Taped to SFP's Door

Dr. Mr. Bubba Bubbason,

I am somewhat angry today.  You may have noticed my 95 Theses to which to your door were securely taped on October 31st.  Those 95 Theses were indeed attached to your door by me, The Restless Auditor.  I hope you will take the opportunity to read them thoroughly and become familiar with the logical thinking evidenced throughout the many crayon-scrawled pages.  For your reference, I have included here my top 10 of the 95 Theses.  (Unlike inferior 95 Theses of past, mine has links!)

1.  Please return your neighbor's Prius to Koi pond.  (I changed my mind, and it looks best there.)

2.  Please send back my Colbert poster, as I need to put it on "Ebay" in order to finance new hobby and pay associated legal costs.

3.  While I recently flattened your duck with the Prius, I neglected to retrieve said duck.  Do you still have it?  (Practicing taxidermy in preparation for the passing of my great, great, twice-removed cousin; she's got a bad cold, and I am optimistic.)

4.  Meeting minutes should be taken only by someone authorized to hear the secret accounting words of our order.

5.  There should be candy, peanuts,  and foamy alcoholic drinks at our meetings.  I also like pretzels.

6.  There should be fewer old men and additional younger women at all of our gatherings.  (Frank's fine if he wears a wig and lipstick.)

7.  Speaking of meetings...I should be allowed to attend Society of Financial Proctologist's meetings, gatherings, and shindigs--when not within "fifty feet of Mr. Bubbason's residence, or any building or structure where people gather."

8.  Why didn't anyone follow-up with me about the uniform idea?  Was matching underwear going too far?

9.  My other cousin, the one who stars occasionally on the CSI SUV ASAP at the AARP, would like to know why he can't join--since he plays an auditor on public access television?  (He also has access to alcoholic beverages, which could be useful reference #5.

10.  I still don't entirely understand the whole "Restraining Order" thing.  We're still on for the big accounting party, right?  I'll have my special Ledger!

Who Needs Editors?

A friend of mine decided to become an editor.  Isnt that silly?  I insure that my writin' is always topsy like, the creme of the corn so to speak.  I think we all have good writerss inside all of us, but sometimes we just need to look for those parts of ourselves that hide those things in there.  I know I is a good writer. 

That brings me to spell check.  It's good, to, but the editor says something silly.  He says it doesn't  doesn't help when it comes to homophones.  (Personally, I think that's just a rude thing to say, and I am not going to ever speak of it again.)

Well, if you need one of those fancy pants editors, here's my friend's information.  He's a good guy, a close and personal friend, but he doesn't always have good taste when it comes to friends.

 

Dealing with People

Let's face it...the hardest thing about heading out that front door is that, try as you might, you're likely to bump into a fellow human being from time to time.  Being an auditor, I find these interactions as troubling as interpretive dance at funerals.  

What can you do to reduce or eliminate these frustrating contacts?  There are many great options to explore and experiment with, but the ten that follow are my least favorite.

1.  As soon as someone is approaching you, run towards them as if to initiate a bear hug.

2.  Try smelling armpits every so often.  This seems to discourage contacts.

3.  While less effective with the advent of cell phones, having a loud conversation with no apparent person is always a great way to avoid social interactions.

4.  With your 1980s era cell phone firmly in hand, repeat the following until the person has passed you.  "You put the body where?  What do you mean you misplaced the knife?"

5.  If a woman walking dog appears, look at the dog and whistle loudly.  "Oh, yeah, baby!" also can be quite effective.  Not recommended for pit bulls or women wearing chains.

6.  Try hopping and walking backwards when approached by strange people.

7.  When approached next time, try just staring blankly and repeating the word "Rosebud?"  It works wonders.

8.  As inspired by a close relative, in awkward social situations nothing gets rid of people faster than stripping.  Well...okay...this only is effective with a certain body type.

9.  The aluminum foil hat can also be helpful in these situations, since it magnetically distorts the air around your head and renders you nearly invisible in the correct lighting conditions.

10.  Breaking into song is another great option.  Just make sure you can't actually sing.  If you sound good, this will be less effective--unless you also undress and hop simultaneously.

(These techniques also work well with roommates!)

IRS Rap / Love My IRC

(The IRC Squirrel)

In our on-going effort aimed squarely at discovering and implementing new and innovative ways of promoting continuing education for our fellow auditors, the Restless Auditor is excited to unveil the IRC Rap.  Happy learnin'!

(Best grab your munchies before you hit the exciting link below.)

THE IRC RAP!!

Destination Audits Coming to SyFi Channel!

Very excited to pass along this breaking news--straight from a guy on the inside of a late night cleaning crew--Destination Audits will be released soon from the SyFi Channel!  That's right.  You'll get to watch the exciting and hair-raising process of audit appointment setup, appointment cancellation, appointment re-schedule, appointment moved to accountant's office, appointment moved to accountant's brother-in-law's office in abandoned strip mall, followed (most likely) by audit completion some six months later.  It will feel like a real and true audit experience--minus the food-encrusted financial records with smelly dwarf hamster droppings!  So, grab your General Ledger and calculator and we'll see you for the season premier!  

Mitt & Obama Simultaneously Select the RESTLESS AUDITOR as VP!

Oh, happy day!  (Singing and clapping in background.)
 
It’s a first in the history of our “country.”  I got the exciting news of my selection last night while I was walking the trail looking for dinner.  I hardly could believe it when my good friend Mitt called me on my 1992-circa cell phone.  Imagine my shock when Obama called a few minutes later.  (I guess current VP Biden plagiarized his birth certificate or inhaled it, or something else quite naughty.  Also, he talks way too much.  He’s apparently out, but this is all real hush-hush.  Don’t tell anyone, Frank!)  Anyway, I’m sure neither one would mind me making the announcement today seeing as I'm kind of excited and all. 
 
What to do…what to do?  In the service of my country, the Restless Auditor stands ready to become the VP pick by coin toss.  Wait…I see a problem with that.  What if, for example, I decide to join Mitt, then the dark side wins?
 
The only choice is “Yes” to both.  In a first in the history of the USA (I think), the Restless Auditor expresses his willingness and (shaking) excitement to undertake this new chapter in the old book of life.  Why, I am so excited, I have to change my shirt again!
 
(Also, I just adore talking about myself in the third person!  After all, he/I is great!!!)

(Also, don't forget to download my new App as soon as it comes out sometime within the next couple years, or so!)

Rockin' Oregon Accountant Party!

It's strange, but just having moved to Salem, Oregon twenty years, or so, ago and having no close friends, acquaintances, or pets yet, the internet has been my communication lifeline.  Some of my internet friends just made me aware of a rockin' party tonight just off of someplace called Collins Cove here in Oregon's capital capitol.  Looking forward to catchin' the whole accounting online gang in the "real world" tonight.  See ya there!  PS.  BYOC! (Bring your own calculators!!)

Restless Auditor Not Yet Leaving Twitter!!

Bewilderingly, I am indeed still here.  Don't understand it, but that's the long and short of the situation.  In other news, experiencing continuity problems in my life today.  More on that later perhaps--but someone's going to be receiving a strongly worded letter!

Restless Auditor Leaving Twitter?

My whole novel on the exciting and controversial world of PI has taken up a great deal more time than even I anticipated.  So, I have tentatively decided to withdraw my Twitter account.  No worries, though!  I have quietly hacked a friend's twitter and plan to surreptitiously post my random thoughts there from time to time.  I don't think he'll mind.


No promises, then, but Restless Auditor's exciting twitter feed will likely vanish in a poof of vanishing air later this week.  Stand by for updates (on twitter?).  I'm confused.


PS.  Frank had an interesting suggestion.  If I get another ten, or so, followers this week, I might consent to leaving it up a little longer--or taking it down sooner.

Harnessing the Power of Ambiguous Communication

(This photo has absolutely nothing to do with article!)

You don't have to be a rocket scientist, or even an overpaid and under-qualified engineer, to recognize the importance of keeping your boss constantly guessing.  Coming to work at wildly different times, long incoherent or mildly catatonic episodes, selling Amway products during office hours, no hygiene practices--these are all examples of behaviors that could set you apart from the lemon-smelling lemming crowd--if you took the chance to be different.  After all, shouldn't you become the change your afraid to count upon tomorrow?  (Saying available in cute kitten posters!)

Supervisors respect and highly praise creative business people who, for example, manage their Ebay business simultaneously with their boring daily "jobs."  Another way to set yourself apart is your communication.  If you're tired and irritable, it's a great time to send an important e-mail or have that big meeting with your boss.  Strive in your messages for ambiguity and a vague mysterious quality.  For instance, here's a great example of a message my friend Sven sent to his supervisor at the fish processing center in Anacortes, Washington.

Dear Bob,

I hear something big may be happening tonight, so I wanted to let you know that I wasn't involved in any way.  Sadly, I can't come in tomorrow to work the krab line because of certain particular conditions which may negatively impact our work environment.  If you need me, I'll be up at the cabin.   No cell service, but why don't you drive on up?  I'll see you before you see me, so I'll be sure to catch you on the other side!

...Sven   

The above message is so confusing and mysterious that it will just put a smile on the supervisor's face!  Strive for ambiguity so that you can change your intended meanings later to suit your needs.  Enjoy!


Psst...Another great little phrase is "larger issues."   

Napping for Idiots

Napping may indeed rise to an art form when practiced in meetings, weddings, marriages, divorces, sentencing phases, etc...  I would like to help you help yourself become a better napper.  To this end, please carefully follow these instructions.


1.  Think about all of your wide assortment of personal and financial troubles.

2.  Pick one and follow it through to the worst case scenario.  Repeat for several different categories of worry.

3.  Consider how fast your own demise will come.

4. Will five people attend your funeral?

5.  Imagine what the homelessness will be like.  Become one with the "Will work for beer" sign you will likely hold.  What does the sign feel?

6.  What kind of dog will you have sitting next to you?

7.  How much dog food can you buy after redeeming a sack of aluminum cans?

8.  Then, return to present.  If you die in the night, who will get the cat?  Dwell on this for a time.  Will they understand her unique hairball problems and challenges?

9.  If a giant cockroach appears out of nowhere, will you have time to take appropriate measures?

10.  Finally, just reflect on your last tax return!


That's it.  Goodnight!

How to be Unsuccessful at Practically Anything (Without Trying)

(This was supposed to be a rabbit.)

These days we’re constantly bombarded about peoples’ creative ideas to become successful, but when do we hear of the good that comes from just doing an awful job at something?  For thousands of years mankind has been content with relative misery.  Why re-invent the wheel?  We need to return to our cultural roots and embrace the benefit that comes with just making a royal mess out of something truly important.

That being said, the very fact that you are reading this means that I have, in part at least, failed.  If I am not careful, this venture may become a success.  I hope and trust that you, dear reader, will not lend this article to friends, discuss it in book clubs, or purchase it as presents for friends and loved ones.  Join me now as we embark on our quest for failure, because no stone will be left unturned in our tireless pursuit of mediocrity.

Many different industries and livelihoods must be individually examined in order to fully comprehend the ideal approach to failure.  After all, the purple leather pants that might cost you a job as a menswear buyer at Nordstrom probably wouldn't get a second glance in the hallways of Microsoft.  You may ask, what makes your perspective so valuable?  Well, nothing, which is precisely why I am sharing it.  However, I will disclose that, when not writing or conducting unmotivational workshops for over-achievers, I work in the exciting field of tax auditing.  (I hear Cops will soon be spending a day of exciting, edge-of-your-seat filming with us as we pursue our General Ledger analysis.)

As many are fond of reminding me, I’ve been remarkably successful at various times of life in achieving jaw-dropping moments of blissful failure.  Much of what I recount will be culled from my years of personal experience.  For example, I’ll bet ten to one that you didn't know that simple lack of sleep mixed with high stress, infused with general irritability, and topped of with a dollop of incompetence can yield really rewarding results in the security field?  You betcha.  In fact, sleep deprivation is so rich with possibilities, we’ve completely ignored it here--in order to assure that this short essay is a failure on multiple levels.

In this month’s installment, then, we’re going to focus on what I call office assertiveness. My fellow researcher Hans Svenson-Wolfgang likes to refer to this to office manliness, but I would never use such a sexist term myself.  When starting a new job, it's important to demonstrate that you’re in control.  No one likes a namby pamby office man.  Make a name for yourself.  When in doubt, I always like to turn to the lessons of nature.  Take the Spider Monkey, for example.  Most people are utterly oblivious of the fact that this highly evolved species actually exhibits many of the characteristics of a successful business person.  Without boring you with the particulars (or facts), just take my word for it that you want someone like a spider monkey handling your penny stock portfolio.  Assertiveness and take-charge attitude are what they are all about.  You won't see them take any prisoners.  Again, don't worry about the facts or supportive documentation.  We don't need Jane Goodall to tell us what Spider Monkeys already know in their highly developed monkey brains.  

What is it that a spider monkey teaches us cubicle dwellers precisely?  It's simple really.   If you need something, take it!  Suppose you begin brand new job as an office person who is responsible for ordering new slide rules and pocket protectors for the accounting department or paddles and whips for the Human Resource gang.  Well, what happens if you need a whip at home for dwarf hamster obedience training?  Are you going to buy one out of your own personal funds?  No!  Just order one for yourself.  After all, isn’t that the real reason for office supply rooms anyway?  Be assertive.  Your new boss will be so impressed that you think outside the outside of the outer box, that you will certainly be promoted in no time.   Of course, the same philosophy (or lack thereof) also applies to getting dates with those attractive subordinates who try to ignore you.  Persistence is the key to their hearts.  

Well, my editor insists on a substantive essay of at least ten pages.  She mentioned something about tracing the history of failure from ancient times through the 40-year-old philosophy major who lives with his parents and enjoys playing video games and posting incoherent entries on Facebook.  So, anyway, I'm going to call it good with a couple pages.  Be sure to check back next time when we discuss jury duty preparation.

Breaking/Shattering News:  Go HERE!!!

Important Web Bulletin!

Happy Monday!  Mondays are almost as much fun as new phone book day, aren't they? 


Please check out new webpages below (available while supplies last)!


Restless Auditor


Karl Erickson


Kimberly Erickson


Toupee Mice


Tristan's Travels

Bring Penny Jars to Big 5!

In order to make amends for its publicized failure recently to accept a few dollars in nickels and dimes from a young customer, Big 5 Sporting Goods wants to make things right.  Today, all stores encourage you to drop by with jars of pennies!  That's right.  They'll not only count all of your coins, but they'll provide exceptional customer service to ensure you find just the right Mother's Day item--like maybe some golf clubs or athletic supporter?  Hope you can stop by!


Disclaimer: Joke, people.

Literary Agent Services (New!)

Since I have no experience in the field of literary promotions, I've decided to follow the current trend for English majors living in their parents' basements and become a literary agent!  


It just wouldn't feel right if I didn't begin my exciting venture with lengthy submission requirements.  Please be sure to read these requirements in their entirety before sending me anything--unless you select to become a "Gold Level" client, in which case you can skip straight to the PayPal link.


(Restless Auditor Literary Agent Representation and Editorial Harassment Services, LLC)


"Submission" Requirements (not valid in Idaho or some parts of North Dakota or Dallas, TX.).


1.  We accept literary submissions only in the fields we represent.  Currently, we represent ______ and fiction. 


2.  Given my busy schedule, please first summarize your work in no less than twenty pages.


3.  Please provide character sketches for any character found within the work (whether minor, major, or just dabbling). 


4.  What other great ideas do you have for creative fiction?


5.  Have you got any new product ideas you haven't yet patented?  Examples and diagrams are fine.


6.  Where did your mother and father first meet?


7.  Please provide your mother's maiden name(s) and bank card PIN?


8.  Why do you think I am the best literary agent to represent your fine work?


9. Please create an article exploring the threat rabbits and kittens pose to our quality of life.  (Important test question!)


10.  Grammar are very important to.  Please insure to check that what you say is clear and excise!  Don't waste my time with typos and spellings error.  (Automatic cause for rejection and possible execution.)




Please e-mail your complete submission packet to iamacompleteidiot@restlessauditor.qwrp.  Expect a response within a year.  (Please no simultaneous submissions; bear in mind that all other agents are evil.  Also, please don't contact me directly under any circumstances unless you have waited at least a year.)




Interested in Gold Level client status?  Of course, you are!  Your time is important, isn't it?


Please select my PayPal account and send me $500.  This deposit ensures that I will be available to call you as soon as the next commercial break comes along.  Yes, as a Gold Level Member in good standing, you will speak to me personally--unless Frank answers or you hit my voicemail.  Either way, though, rest assured that your message will likely reach me.  


Now, this $500 will only be used to cover my personal expenses and gambling addiction, so, if any charges are accrued in your representation...you're out of here!  




Please be sure that you have read the above very carefully.  (If William P. Young is reading this, best hire an editor, too!)




At this time, we are currently not accepting new clients.


PS.  This is a joke people.  (This is for JK.)

Patricia Krentcil, Not Just Another Pretty Face

In exciting news, Patricia Krentcil today becomes the new spokesperson for the tanning industry!  You might be surprised to hear that she's actually eighteen years-old!  Tanning has given her skin a unique quality, and she's going to share her tanning addiction with the world! 

In related news, Patricia is also considering a spokesperson opportunity for the American Academy of Dermatology!  I hope she can teach us all about the importance of proper skin care.  Way to go, Pat!  

Well, time for me to head the tanning bed.  We'll be sure to keep the bright lights focused upon this important topic!

   

Recycle, Reuse, & Reduce--with Kitty Litter Crafts!

You don't have to be a a successful auditor to recognize that the three Rs don't only apply to great (recycled) Twitter and Facebook content!  They pertain to every facet of your life--from toilet water to drinking water.  (Not just for Fido anymore.)  In fact, many people never even notice the water we serve visitors to the office.  "This water is so fresh," they'll often exclaim.  It's amazing what some good refrigeration will accomplish.  Truth be known, sometimes we also run the water through a coffee filter to remove "particulates."

Here's an idea to make your life more sustainable and--reduce your carbon noseprint!  Use kitty litter to make your Christmas gifts.  That's right, kitty litter isn't just a great potpourrrri (get it?).  It also makes a wonderful gift.  Here's how to make it so.

1.  Rinse kitty litter in fresh toilet water.

2.  Use food coloring to make the appearance more appealing!

3.  Sprinkle with cinnamon and vanilla for an aromatic dimension. 

4.  Mold into fun animal shapes and patterns!

5.  Bake in oven for 20 minutes at 400 degrees.

6.  Leave house for a while.  

7.  Return and open windows.  Turn on fans.

8.  Enjoy kitty litter animals and other fun-filled creations.  (They smell interesting, too!) 

9.  Repeat (as desired) to keep the earth all happy and content.




Bonus tip:  Kitty Litter Crafts make a wonderful discussion in interview settings.  It helps break the ice, as well as demonstrates that you care about the environment as much as you care about your cat!  You're sure to be hired fast!


Parted (and Unparted) Thoughts:

Thanks to SNL for doing the cat litter skit some years ago that sparked the idea for the RRR angle.  Also, this article has been picked-up in at least one online publication, which makes me feel it necessary to say yet again...  It's a joke, people!
 

Cuz Merle Butler Hits it Big!

You may know him simply as the big jackpot winner named Merle Butler of bustling Red Bud, Illinois, but he'll always be Big Merle to me.  You see, he's my dear cuz--actually four times removed and one time returned (on Jake's side).


Years may pass me by, but I will never forget all that time we spent together doing stuff in that one place by the thing.  Yes, those memories are indelibly stamped, written, and etched  into my brain--like accounting thingies.


Perhaps this windfall blessing might place you (Merle) in a position to help with the care of our 25 year-old feral cat, YumYum.  You see, she has been stricken with cat diseases and stuff.  She also has type B fur balls, which are very expensive to correct and may require both cat psychotherapy and aroma therapy.   We just learned the state doesn't cover the live-in (young) nurse, so that might have to come from the entertainment fund. Otherwise, we might not be able to keep Frank...I mean the cat, YumYee.  She also wants a small, flightless bird--with a long bow and string, and maybe cat bells.


So, Merle, if you're reading this, I trust you remember your good friend who wore glasses and often a shirt and pants?  You may remember me with either blond or dark hair.  (It's a long story, but my sister was taking beautician classes at the time.)  Yes, that was me!  If indeed you recall your friend of indeterminate age and race, I hope you will keep your long lost cousin in your thoughts.  


After all, it was hard to be compelled to leave the beauty and graceful majesty of Red Bud for the big city of Burksville Station that one time when I saw you last--in front of that building we knew so well.  Talk about a tragic day!  How could we ever forget, right?  Hope we can get together and...talk about old times.  E-mail's fine, too.  Want my PayPal number?


PS.  I have not told anyone about what you buried north of town that one night in 1982--because I wasn't involved, or anything.

Dealing with Agreeable People (Puffy Face Method)

Almost as distressing as "Dealing with Difficult People" is  addressing agreeable people.  Let's face it, it's hard to make some chatty people (Frank) stop talking.  Many times this takes the form of "social interaction," which I strongly frown upon.  A relative of mine learned that suddenly beginning to disrobe produced an interesting effect, yet I have not yet managed to adapt this technique successfully as yet.  (It might have something to do with the padlocks.)


So, you're in a social situation and an attractive person approaches you, completely invading your bubble of privacy.  What do you do?  I sometimes will take my (circa 1990s) cell phone and proceed to "pretend" to dial myself.  Truth be known, however, this whole act is somewhat confusing to me, and I have been known to create situations where I've stopped talking to myself for days--literally.


Ashley Judd's whole puffy face controversy thing recently gave me a great idea.  I now carry a small container of yellow jackets.  (As long as you feed them from time to time, they do fine.)  As soon as the troubling social situation presents itself, I nonchalantly open the vial and press it against my face.  Usually, after several "applications" my bee allergy kicks in!  My face gets super puffy and my breathing starts to get obstructed.  After I stab myself repeatedly with the EpiPen, I soon am feeling much better.  During this period of time, the annoying person usually moves off.  


Admittedly, a "do-gooder" sometimes pesters me with questions about calling 911, the doctor, etc, but that's why I carry the second vial of bees!  (This also works well with jelly fish, but it can be a little more cumbersome to carry the tank.)


My technique may not work for everyone, but I am sure it will work for you.  Try today!

Dealing with Difficult People

These people can be difficult.  Best not to approach them, but tripping them in hallway is fine.  Should they fall, blame the person next to you.  If there is no one next to you, best to run quickly!  Be cautious about tripping football players, as ouchies have been known to result.  Stay tuned for more exciting updates--coming soon!

Gray Slime Made Easy! (Also Great for Hair!)

Since 1976, Dan Aykroyd has been the esteemed founder and CEO of the Bassomatic.  While we all are familiar with the joy and wonder of our first glass of this fine beverage, did you also know that this is much more nutritious and satisfying than pink slime?  I bet you didn't know this, but it is indeed true.

Most importantly, it doesn't have to be bass!  Why just the other day, I walked by a co-worker and commented on her bass, but trout is actually much more effective and satisfying ingredient.  Here's how to to make gray slime in the comfort and privacy of your own home!  When we're ready to wrap up today's important post, I'll also include several down-home applications for this fine product!  Don't ignore gray slime for one more minute!

Easy to Follow Directions:

A.  We find the fishy things.  

1.  Charge batteries on all electronic devices.

2.  Find "books" you can actually read.  Avoid the classics because they can be hard.  (I recommend Restless Auditor Romance Novels.)

3.  Bring lots of red wine--or beer if it doesn't remind you of a public rest area in southern New Mexico.

4.  Fill backpack with lots of food and drinks for long outing.  This will be an adventure!    

5.  Bring fishing supplies.

6.  Go to fishing place.  Spend hours throwing little line in the water and waiting.

7.  Read and eat and wait.  Drink alcoholic beverage.

8.  Wait.  Scratch self inconspicuously.

9.  Swear once or twice.  Get into drunken brawl with man next to you.

10.  Throw fishing gear away.  Go to grocery store where you will "catch" at least three large trout.  (For added effect, take fish out of packaging and put in your creel (not krill).  Family and friends will be impressed!

B.  Creating Gray Slime!!!

1.  Find blender.

2.  Make a slight effort at removing a few scales, but don't worry too much.

3.  Cut off fishy tail.  (Don't worry it hurts him more than you.)

4.  Pour one cup of crushed ice cubes into blender.

5.  One teaspoon of vanilla extract.

6.  Two teaspoons of salt.

7.  Drop three trout into blender.

8.  Two tablespoons of kitchen compost.

9.  Blend and pour Liquid goodness!  

10.  Enjoy!  :)

Now that you are faced with a couple tall glasses of gray slime, what's next?  Its potential uses are as limitless as those for its inferior siblings, pink slime and green slime (grasshoppers).  

C-D/E.  Gray Slime Uses:

1.   Nutritional supplement.

2.  Work-at-home opportunity. 

3.  Christmas Gift (use fish bottles).   Great for your boss!

4.  Shampoo!  Yes, it so happens that gray slime is the prime ingredient of Limp & Gray Shampoo!  Just add some chalk powder and fresh elephant garlic, and you're ready to go.  It leaves your hair feeling like you just left Ballard!

5.  A gift for your cats!  Your cat will love you forever.  Get rid of those cans of cat food and give your cat the best!

6.  Great for office food days!  

7.  Instead of leaving out candy at your accounting cubicle, have a punch bowl of gray slime and little Dixie cups--and/or chicks.

8.  Add to deserts to enhance nutritional value.  

9.  Did you know that one cup of gray slime equals two cups of pink slime?  (This can't be helped.)

10.  Keep the rabbits away.  Spy rabbits don't like gray slime.  This ingredient will help keep their stares at bay, and the little rabbit voices will stay in the background of your brain thingy.

Turn your world gray with gray slime today!

The Great Neighborhood Chihuahua Giveaway!

Seeing as my neighbor's sweet rat-dog won't stop barking at anything and everything--and the eagles haven't arrived yet--I've decided to give it away to one of my fantastic readers!  If you've never owned one of these fine creatures, you're in for an exciting treat!  (Also, I hear they taste a lot like chicken.) 

Entry rules, please send me $5 and an essay on accounting string theory.  This contest also requires you to convince said neighbor to give you the dog.  Be creative!  You might refer to someone by the name of Tina, but that's just a friendly suggestion.  There are no guarantees here, but isn't life all about risk-taking?

Tune in next week, when I attempt to rent neighbor's home while he's out of state!

IRS App Review (Including New Feature Options!)

I got to say that I love the new IRS2Go App!  I never knew how much fun I could have with my iPhone!  (Did you know there are one or two other Apps, too?  Even a few entertainment ones--so I hear.)


I subscribed to the enhanced version of this App in order to unlock the gold level features.  Below are just a few of the special functions this fine App opens for responsible and mature users.


1.  Browse neighbor's tax returns.


2.  Lookup SSNs for friends and neighbors!  Or, use the new stealth feature to really sock-it to your enemies!


3.  Combine Stealth feature with the new Stalker Menu to unearth all those financial secrets!


4.  Stumble-a-Return.  Randomized corporate return feature to browse at your leisure.


5.  The Report a Friend Feature is also new--and totally awesome!  I've submitted tips now on at three good friends, and this gives me at least fifteen gold coin credits towards the "Super Special and Very Restricted Menu!"  (Don't forget you can also upload photos.)


6.  Games!  I love the financial puzzle games.   I guess the arcade style shoot-em-ups are okay, too.  But I get tired of only being able to be the IRS guy in the black trench-coat and sunglasses.  Why can't I play the role of the Tax Protestor?


7.  Social Networking options are limitless.  Just go to the social networking sub-menu on the IRS2Go, and you'll immediately see what I mean! 


8.  Call an IRS Agent at home.  This is one of my favorite new options for enhanced version subscribers.  I've been calling some guy named Douglas H. Shulman for the past few nights, but sometimes I think he doesn't like the late night calls...

9.  Chip embedding in one's arm is also a great new feature to be rolled out soon.  It comes with a bar code, too!

10.  Pizza locator.  Find great pizza fast!  (menu 2bc(3))




Legal Disclaimer:  It's been pointed out that IRS folks aren't always the most humor-loving people.  So, that being the case, I would like to make abundantly clear that the writing above is satire.   It's a humor piece, people!  Get over it!

Paying Attention to Attention Spans

Usually, I am loathe to convey my own "personal" feelings within this serious accounting blog, but I think it's important to pass along something that's really bothered me--a lot-like.  

Have you noticed how short our attention spans are these days?  I mean, you expect kids to be kind of slow that way, but the other day I was giving a carefully crafted presentation on llama procreation as an illustration for the importance of generally accepted accounting principles in one's personal life.  it was fascinating stuff, but people were actually looking at the window and checking their watches.  I think this is symptomatic of a larger societal ill which deserves our immediate attention.  What follows is my comprehensive analysis on the issue followed by a five-step guide for correcting this problem before the year's up.  I hope you all find it as meaningful as Frank did.

If there's one dish I enjoy, it's a good bowl of clam chowder. We've sampled clam chowder in fine restaurants from Victoria to Monteray, and I really can honestly say that our recipe is hard to beat. That said, my recipe owes a debt of gratitude to my own family. In fact, perhaps I should call it Eastern Washington Clam Chowder? No, I guess not.

Besides never scalding the milk, the central thing to keep in mind for this recipe is to keep experimenting and perfecting it. That's one aspect I enjoy--that each batch is slightly different than before. I usually add a one or two of a rotating list of seafood together with the clams: shrimp, crab, scallops, smoked salmon, etc. (Freshly caught seafood is particularly good, but make sure you have selected the right kind of clams if you've dug them yourself. Sadly...the Ericksons are not the best clam diggers.)

I also recommend making it correctly the first couple times before trying to concoct a healthy version. After all, this isn't a side dish, it's the meal. We almost never use real cream, for instance, but it does greatly improve the texture and flavor.


Ingredients

almost five pounds of cut and peeled potatoes
4-6 small cans of clams or 1 of the large can
half a stick of butter
2 diced onions
about a quart of whipping creme
1-2 cups of 1% or 2%
*have available instant mashed potatoes

Seasoning (to taste)

salt
cracked pepper
dried parsley
basil (fresh preferred)
oregano
Be creative!

At the same time your boiling the potatoes, begin to saute the cut onions in a skillet with some butter. Once the potatoes are sufficiently tender, remove from the heat. Cook the onions until they begin to become translucent. If the potatoes are too big, cut to smaller pieces. (You can cut them within the pot and save time.) Carefully, pour out a little more than half of the potato water. Add sautéed onions to potatoes, followed by the rest of the ingredients. Don't add the milk or whipping creme yet!

Once everything has come to a gentle boil, add the milk and whipping creme last. Keep stirring and lower the heat. This prevents the milk from scalding. If the consistency is not right, slowly stir in instant mashed potatoes. Keep in mind, however, that using too much can really ruin the chowder--especially for the next night.

Everyone (except me) in my household likes ice cold peas dropped on top of the chowder to help cool it down at serving time. I still believe that this is a great affront to the chowder gods. Consequently, you will not see peas in my chowder--unless, of course, my wife Kimberly has prepared it. :)

Suggested toppings: crumbled pepper bacon or oyster crackers.

Variations: try cooking the potatoes in half water / half homemade chicken broth.

There, you have it.  That's my analysis and recommendation concerning the serious loss of attention spans.  We'll catch you on the other side  (of the week, I am not actually referring to "death" here--at least not consciously)!!

Take Your Trash to Work Day!

In exciting partnership with Cherriots Salem-Keizer Transit, Monday is Take Your Trash to Work Day in Salem!  While you can, of course, pile the garbage bags in your own vehicle when you leave for the office, may I recommend using convenient public transit on Monday?  When you climb aboard one of these luxurious and sparkling-clean buses, take your seat in confidence.  Don't worry about bothering people--sit next to anyone!  We all do our part to make Salem a better place. 


This is an important effort in being Green and Sustainable.  After all, what happens if you lose garbage service?  You need a place to take it, right?


Cherriots does ask that you use white garbage bags only.  Also, kitty litter is fine!  There are no restrictions on bag content!  Oh, wait....  I'm told they would prefer no medical waste or toxic sludge.  So, just a few small restrictions on this fantastic offer!


Do your part to be Green on Monday!  We hope you appreciate this Restless Auditor-Cherriots sponsored event!  Future events may include take your neighbor to work day!




Legal Disclaimer:  It's been pointed out that attorneys aren't always the most humor-loving people.  So, that being the case, I would like to make abundantly clear that the writing above is satire.   It's a humor piece, people!  Get over it!