Almost Jury Duty Time!

Don't you just adore jury duty? It's indeed a happy time! I'm so excited to have the opportunity to participate in such gripping human theater! (Keep in mind that I don't get out that much.) As an auditor, I take this civic duty particularly seriously. That's why I have compiled an informal guide to better assist you (the poor reader) in negotiating the mysterious labyrinth of justice. Many people arrive for jury duty completely ill-prepared.

Most, truth be known, even leave the relative security of their homes or park benches without the added protection of the Special Aluminum Foil Hat of Great Power (SAFHGP). That's a mistake I'll never make again. Like I told that big bailiff last time, "No, I'm not taking it off. Without my hat, I would be unsafe. People might even speak to me. With my hat, however, I am ready for anything that comes my way--except clowns or women carrying small dogs in glittery purses." Yikes!

Without further ado, here are my top ten must haves for a successful jury duty experience. For the sake of reader convenience, I have decided to share this list in a randomized order with a dash of psychosis.

4. A Barbie cell phone is useful for communication purposes. Use it to discuss the skin condition of the person sitting in front of you.

3. The Compact Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary is ideal for light reading. It also builds arm strength, though, which is a negative.

5. Bring a small stuffed animal or two as your special companion(s). Share your feelings. Think stream of consciousness here; free all those dark thoughts! If your small companion happens to be missing a head or arm, no worries! (Try to sit next to a woman who is wheeling a doll around in a stroller. You won't be sorry!)

8. A circa 1980s walkman radio. No reception? Connect it to your SAFHGP.

2. Don't forget to also use the aluminum foil on your glasses and hearing aids. No hearing aids? That's not very macho!

1. Special Aluminum Foil Hat of Great Power (SAFHGP)

7. A camera is a must have for deliberations. Record the fun!

6. Share your thoughts! Do you believe any person in a court (including that big bailiff) should be shot? Be truthful and honest about this. This is sure to win you points and influence important people!

9. Remember eye contact. Winking at the judge is a great technique.

Purple. Don't forget to take this seriously. After all, this is an important part of our justice thingy.

What about afterwards? What does the courteous and respectful juror need to remember post-jury time? Sure, you've sentenced that weird-looking guy with bad hair to serious prison time, but what about the judge? You don't want to lose that special relationship you've established with him, do you? Judges are really touched when jurors look up their personal addresses and send them regular cards. Keep in touch. You might even consider flowers on his childrens' birthdays!

MOST IMPORTANTLY, DON'T FORGET THANK YOU CARDS!