Cat Tossing

It's no mystery that I am sometimes called the "cat whisperer" by my friends.  Both of them (my friends) certainly must have noticed my deep understanding and connection with cats.

Of particular note today, I'd like to share my cat's all-time favorite activity--cat tossing.  (This ranks right up there with twirling him around high in the air.)  I can tell how much he enjoys it because of the sweet hissing sound he makes when I gently pose the question, "Cat toss time?"  He also sometimes pretends to make for the door.  Silly cat.


Staring at me wide-eyed, my silly cat fluffs up his hair and hisses gently as he awaits this airborne fun.  Strangely, he sometimes inflicts small ouchies after I retrieve him.  I assume this is due to the excitement of this fun activity!  (It's time to put cat juggling to rest once and for all, but more on that some other time.)

Anyway, I hope you can enjoy cat tossing for yourself. It's a great holiday treat for your cat!

Breaking Financial News!!! + Personal Austerity Plan for Prosperity

Some of you may have heard of the conference at which I currently find myself--in beautiful and mild North Dakota.  I was shocked to learn today that we may be headed towards an economic crisis.  Since I always try to bring you the financial news sooner rather than later, I left the class early in order to convey the breaking news to you, my readers.


This economic downturn, sometimes referred to as a

rescission, means you may have to learn how to do less with more.  This prospect need not alarm you, however, because you have the Restless Auditor in your corner!  

Below, I will outline six ways to cut expenses and six exciting ways to transform your personal revenue stream from a gentle brook to thundering rivers of financial goodness.  I call this my Personal Austerity Plan for Prosperity.  Please bear in mind that while I do play a doctor on television, I am actually not a qualified attorney or law enforcement officer--except in Idaho--so best to check with your local constabulary and all.  Oh, some of these suggestions may also result in some neighborly squabbles, too.  

Cut Expenses 

1.  Bill your pizzas to your neighbor.

2.  Use credit cards for most routine and daily expenses.  (Apply for more lines of credit, too!)

3.  Take out large equity loans to fund your lavish vacations--as well as the dwarf hamster evening-wear start-up idea.

4.  Start hoarding small animals (cats, rabbits, goats, horses, etc.) to take your mind off the above, as well as possible furry food source (ffs).  Think protein.

5.  Stop using lights and heat.  (Alternatively, splice into neighbor's power.)

6.  Learn to dumpster dive, or, as I like to call it, doing the dumpster backstroke.


7.  (BONUS!)  If James Franco is working for you, just let him go; he's over-priced.

Income Increasers 

1.  Get a job thingy.  (risky)

2.  Work from home in spare time.

3.  Turn your gold into cash at Bubba's.  (Bubba uses fair 1931 gold rates in his exchange calculations.  You can trust that Bubba has your gold's best interest in mind.)

4.  Rent or sell neighbor's home while on vacation.

5.  Pet ransoming (not recommended for some larger breeds or goldfish).

6.  Obtain coupons free from Extreme Couponers!  (Let them do all the clipping!)  First, find an EC.  Second, point and say excitedly, "Free Ketchup!"  Third, take all coupons within reach.  Fourth, leave for a while, then return.  Repeat scenario with "mustard" exclamation for lots more fun!

7.  (BONUS!)  Don't calculate daily balances in your checkbook.  Get what you need and just don't worry about it.  Sort it all out around the 25th, or so.

Whether you employ all, or just a few of these wonderful techniques for savings, you'll soon be saving and scrimping to a life of bliss.  (After all, most prisons feed you well these days, and they have cable!)

Until next time....

Important Christmas Safety & Security Tips

I come to you today from our annual auditor conference in beautiful and cheery Minot, North Dakota.  As we pulled away from the ol' house at 3686 Restless Auditor Way and the horses started in at a good gallop, it occurred to me that perhaps burying that box of Krugerrands in the backyard was not such a great idea after all.  What if a meteor hits and vaporizes everything while we're enjoying a life of luxury in Minot? 


At any rate, this is as good a time as any to share some of the holiday safety tips which I've gleaned from years of gleaning.  Now, first things first, this whole internet thing makes it way too easy to share vital important details with total strangers.  For instance, if I were to disclose on a public blog that I keep $10,000 in cash in the oven and that the "Beware of Dog" sign on the property is a blatant lie,  (Truth be known, our pitbull, Betsy Boo, is the sweetest creature.  Sometimes, we even remember to feed her. She doesn't like people, though.  Eventually, the therapy sessions should cure her of this, or so I am told (by Animal Counselor Dr. Rev. Priestess Spring Winters.)  Time will tell, as it so often does.)  then that could be said to be kind of "foolish."


You see, some people comb the internet for fluffy bunny slippers, some for breaking auditor news, and others are up to mischievous behavior.  Yes, it's true.  Some people use the internet for less than honorable purposes.  It is hard to believe, I know.  I won't go into examples, except for Community Organizers, but you get my drift.  Oh, there are also people who will steal your id, but, at least, they are said to leave behind your ego and super-ego. 


I'm afraid I've lost my train of thought, and I seem to be sitting alone on the caboose of this train, so...I must leave now.  


If you wouldn't mind keeping an eye on 3686 Restless Auditor Way while we're gone, we'd sure be grateful.  (We'd send you a zucchini if it were the summer--but maybe we have some old ones outside.  Help yourself!) I've got this feeling I might have left the stove on, and the front door is likely unlocked with the big screen television right there in the living room--next to our collection of 24 ct gold nose rings.  Makes a guy nervous, you know.  Also, please watch out for flaming meteors.  Good night!


In case you don't hear from me again until 2012, Merry Christmas from the whole gang here at the Restless Auditor!  (Keep those General Ledgers clean and watch those deductions.)

Auditors Unite in Fury & Occupy the "Oregonian" is Born...

While I strive to obtain all of my news and in-depth analysis from the Entertainment Section of Google News, a story popped onto my radar today like a pop tart leaping for an eight-year-old.  It held me fast, and I read it with sad astonishment and unhappy consternation.  


I'm sure that this Wendy Owen writer for the Oregonian thingy is good and all, but let this be considered my official "LETTER TO THE EDITOR" concerning the topic about which I am about to impart to you regarding said matter of grave importance.


Prepare yourselves to be deeply offended.  The following quote from Ms. Owen's article is attributed to a Karen Spencer at some up and coming technology company called Intel.  (Never heard of 'em, by the way.)  Please pay close attention to the first sentence from the aforementioned article in the prior-mentioned paper thingy. 


"They don't sit in cubes and work by themselves and mumble all day long," said Karen Spencer, Intel global education integration director. "It's a place where ideas turn into reality..."


Blah, blah, blah, blah...  Excuse me, but that sentence above seems to strongly imply and/or insinuate that something is "wrong" with (1) sitting by yourself all day long in a cubicle and (2) mumbling.  Fine, perhaps engineers (said with scorn and appropriate derision) frown on this sort of thing, but please note that this is the bedrock, no, the very sacred foundation, on which the exciting field of auditing is based: we sit and we mumble.


So, please put down your General Ledgers for a moment, my auditor friends (and Frank, too) and join me in Occupy the Oregonian.  We won't leave until they offer a complete retraction--or, at least a half dozen donuts and some good coffee.  Who's with me? (Don't mumble!)

Too Much Hype?

Don't you hate it when people, lacking something substantive to say, just fill the air or internet with hype?  It's like those websites that bring you in for something good--like Restless Auditor coffee--only to turn around and try to sell you noserings.  


Well, rest assurred, we here at the Restless Auditor don't care about hype or popularity.  We're just here to try to bring you to a fuller and richer (work at home) understanding of the mysterious world of accounting (online classes available).  Don't bother calling us (we'll call you, operators standing by), Johnny-come-latelies, because that doesn't matter to us one little bit.  We have our integrity, after all (Restless Auditor evening wear and fragrances now available!).  


The List of Absolutely No Trendy Hype Stuff

3.	patrice o neal.
4.	rudolph the red nose...
5.	jacksonville jaguars
6.	amr
7.	chapter 11 bankruptc...
8.	facebook ipo
9.	ndamukong suh
10.	osteopathy
11.	conrad murray
12.	made in america
13.	wayne gretzky
14.	joran van der sloot
15.	heaven is for real
16.	syracuse basketball
17.	barney frank
18.	tori spelling
19.	icam
20.	diphtheria

Herman Cain to Take the Helm...of Dating Website

Given Herman Cain's apparent talent for dating high numbers of women, today's announcement that he will head the new dating website, known simply as the Social Network Thingamabobber, should come as little surprise.  After all, he is the expert.  Sources close to him (currently at least ten different women) report he will introduce the exciting 10/10/10 program for the dating site: a small ten dollar investment yields ten dates (must take all dates within a week) plus your choice--either Herman's new date simulation game for the PS3 or his new bumper sticker: I Dated Herman Cain, too!  Wow!  If you're single, be sure to contact Herman today for relationship advice.  He's ready to help you become the prolific dater you were meant to be.


...Don't miss the next episode of the Restless Auditor in which I reveal the shocking truth about my cousin's best friend's older sister's own relationship with Mr. Cain!      

Cross Blog Pollination?

Just a note that my regular and (usually) more serious blog is entitled Singing in the Wood.  Hope you can drop by!

Quietly Blowing-up Small Animals

I am very fortunate in that a number of my co-workers in the wide world of auditing are very concerned about the well being of animals. That is, they want the animals to taste delicious. That's right...I work with HUNTERS. This is surprising, since we are usually so concerned with avoiding loud noises and any potential ouchies. A number of my brave co-workers have been known to advance fearlessly into the dark forests to blast small furry creatures with high powered weapons that make loud boom-boom noises.

This being the sad state of affairs, a number of woodland creatures have recently approached me to inquire about whether there is a season on people. After exhaustive research on the topic, I advised them that I was afraid there was no such season in our particular area. They were all quite disgusted with this and left without so much as a thank you. That annoyed me, so....I took out the shotgun. Let's just say we're going to all eat well tonight.

PS. I heard that there was a game of some kind going on today. This is indeed true. I happen to be a Saints fan myself. It is my semi-professional opinion that, if they watch their free throws and maintain the home run average, they may indeed have a shot at the Pennant.

Ghostwriting my Next Autobiography

Sitting on the neighbor's horse the other day (an animal said to require daily chiropractic care now), a glimmer of an idea sparked somewhere in my ankle. Days followed days, weeks followed weeks, lawyers followed ambulances. After a great deal of thought and cat spinning (heads I go ahead, tails I spin again), I’ve decided to move ahead on ghostwriting my autobiography: There, and Lost Again. I’m never easy on those who work for me, however, and I am sure to be no exception. You see, I plan to perform this ghostwriting endeavor as a contractor to myself. At least, that’s my plan. I’ll start out with a detailed outline, goal, theme, literary allusions, namedropping, small animal sketches, etc, then, a month before the deadline, I’ll drop a literary bomb on the poor sucker.

I’ll call him/I up on the speaker phone. We’ll chat for a while, as we often do truth be known, then I’ll launch the literary “rocket bomb,” as Orwell might have called it. Here’s what I’ll likely say to the poor sot.

“Okay, ----, I see that you’ve worked very hard on this. While I appreciate your efforts, I’m afraid I’ve had a change of mind. Instead of an autobiography of me, what I really wanted was me writing an autobiography of my cat, Buttercup. Here’s what I want you to cover in great detail—“

“How can I write an autobiography of a cat, and don’t you mean biography? “

I chuckle to myself. I’ve got him precisely where I want him. “No,” I retort, “I want it from the cat’s perspective. You’ve heard of cat stream of consciousness, haven’t you? Haven’t you ever read Farrah Faulkner’s I Got Cats ?

It’s true at this point, I may encounter an injury or two, but it will be worth it to teach this numb skull a valuable life lesson: don’t trust anyone, least of all yourself.

That's all folks. Remember to tune in next time for... "Take Your Blog to Work Day."

Too Much Cash?

One hard part about being an auditor is that you're exposed to the sad financial affairs of so many people. It's shocking, disturbing, and mildly sickening to see how many people struggle with their finances. After all, what do you do if you have everything you need, but the checkbook remains always full; it's terrible.

Sure, we know that not everyone has too much money to spend comfortably on their own, but what about your neighbor, your uncle....you? This isn't always someone else's problem. If you find yourself lying awake at night wondering what on earth you can do with all your cash (or the buried krugerrands), who you gonna call?

Well, it so happens that today, I have the answer to this troubling dilemma--or trilemma, depending on the number of gold coins you're holding. Don't wait for the US financial system to collapse, address your spending deficits today by calling us at Bubba's Cash Be Gone toll free number (or spend some of that money and call us on the regular line). We at Cash Be Gone care about you, our lucrative (and, truth be know, somewhat ecentric) customers.

Here are some actual glowing references from our many past clients.

"Frank"

My name is ---- ------. I used to be a big shot -------. The money, it was always there, bothering me. In the middle of the night, I'd wake up and try to figure out what I could possibly do with it all. Also, sometimes it would say things to me--and they weren't always nice things. From being a nervous wreck in my posh upper West Side condo, I went to this soup kitchen in just a week after making the call to Cash Be Gone. Thanks, Cash Be Gone. You made a believer out of me!

"Margot"

Hi, my name is ------- -------. Hi, my name is ----- -----. Wait, that's not right. Well, anyway. I have one or two memory problems. My money was causing a lot of family friction for me. My kids were out to get me and all. So, I called Cash Be Gone for help. I asked... Do I have to take out all the cash myself, or can you carry it out for me? They came and took it all. Well, I think they did. It's all a little fuzzy now. Hi, my name is...

"Guido"

You know that feeling after you've eliminated a long-time thorn in your side? You can't take it anymore, so you just get down to business with your trusty ol' 357? Bada Bing! That's similar to the warm and happy feelings I experienced after my first call to my close and personal friends at Cash Be Gone. Truth be known, they're like my family. It's almost like Mama was still around. Yes, they took care of everything for me. I live a simpler life now. In fact, I live in the back of a friend's van, but I'm good with it. No more worries. Thanks Cash Be Gone.

To all of our customers, you're welcome. Let us help you help yourself by taking away all the temptations and trouble cash can bring to a family. We'll take it off your hands for free--well, sort of. As my co-founder, Stephen, likes to say, we go the extra mile to invest and quickly dispose of your money--so you don't have to.

Even Auditors Get Sick

...Well, not really, but we have to put on a show somtimes in order to avoid arousing suspicion. You see, with our sharply-tuned auditor senses and above average health, we seldom have time for illness. Still, I made an exception recently and made an appointment with my doctor. The bewildering thing was that they said my appointment was at such and such a time, but arrive fifteen minutes early.

Of course, this made my head swim with its implications. Suppose your appointment is at 1:30, and the nurse says to arrive fifteen minutes early--that's 1:15, right? You still following this? So, instead, I suggest that they say your appointment is at 1:15, but please arrive fifteen minutes late. Anyone can be late...so, I'm sure that's the answer to help doctors and nurses increase efficiency.

Also, don't you just enjoy playing fun mind games with your doctors' staff? I know I do. If they call your name forty-five minutes late, you hand them a bill for your time. Be sure to point out, though, that you gave them the first fifteen minutes free. They really seem to enjoy this.

Almost Jury Duty Time!

Don't you just adore jury duty? It's indeed a happy time! I'm so excited to have the opportunity to participate in such gripping human theater! (Keep in mind that I don't get out that much.) As an auditor, I take this civic duty particularly seriously. That's why I have compiled an informal guide to better assist you (the poor reader) in negotiating the mysterious labyrinth of justice. Many people arrive for jury duty completely ill-prepared.

Most, truth be known, even leave the relative security of their homes or park benches without the added protection of the Special Aluminum Foil Hat of Great Power (SAFHGP). That's a mistake I'll never make again. Like I told that big bailiff last time, "No, I'm not taking it off. Without my hat, I would be unsafe. People might even speak to me. With my hat, however, I am ready for anything that comes my way--except clowns or women carrying small dogs in glittery purses." Yikes!

Without further ado, here are my top ten must haves for a successful jury duty experience. For the sake of reader convenience, I have decided to share this list in a randomized order with a dash of psychosis.

4. A Barbie cell phone is useful for communication purposes. Use it to discuss the skin condition of the person sitting in front of you.

3. The Compact Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary is ideal for light reading. It also builds arm strength, though, which is a negative.

5. Bring a small stuffed animal or two as your special companion(s). Share your feelings. Think stream of consciousness here; free all those dark thoughts! If your small companion happens to be missing a head or arm, no worries! (Try to sit next to a woman who is wheeling a doll around in a stroller. You won't be sorry!)

8. A circa 1980s walkman radio. No reception? Connect it to your SAFHGP.

2. Don't forget to also use the aluminum foil on your glasses and hearing aids. No hearing aids? That's not very macho!

1. Special Aluminum Foil Hat of Great Power (SAFHGP)

7. A camera is a must have for deliberations. Record the fun!

6. Share your thoughts! Do you believe any person in a court (including that big bailiff) should be shot? Be truthful and honest about this. This is sure to win you points and influence important people!

9. Remember eye contact. Winking at the judge is a great technique.

Purple. Don't forget to take this seriously. After all, this is an important part of our justice thingy.

What about afterwards? What does the courteous and respectful juror need to remember post-jury time? Sure, you've sentenced that weird-looking guy with bad hair to serious prison time, but what about the judge? You don't want to lose that special relationship you've established with him, do you? Judges are really touched when jurors look up their personal addresses and send them regular cards. Keep in touch. You might even consider flowers on his childrens' birthdays!

MOST IMPORTANTLY, DON'T FORGET THANK YOU CARDS!

Product Placement

Someone asked me the other day how one becomes an auditor extraordinaire. While I ignored the question, it got me to thinking about the importance product placement. {The Scent of an Auditor} It's true that we try not to endorse or promote products here {Restless Auditor Mechanical Pencils}, but there comes a point where a successful venture like ours must face the reality of its own success {Auditor Ab Workout Video (Coming soon!)}, and that's why I'm here to announce a new line of audtor colognes. The idea came to me as my leg was fermenting within an old cast a while ago.

What if a single scent could evoke not only the excitement and prestige of auditing, but also it's numerical and accounting side? That's right, The Scent of an Auditor will mysteriously cause its wearer to suddenly leap to his feat and make auditor-like statements.

Wouldn't you be proud to have your special someone suddenly questioning your father's checkbook over a family dinner? Or, how about having just the right thing to say to your boss at the Christmas party when it comes to those peculiar tax deductions of his? If you splash on The Scent of the Auditor, you'll be amazed at what you'll be saying and doing! Try it today.

Dwarf Hamster Rescue!

As I was sitting here (sniffing and softly coughing) in front of my iMac, it occurred to me that this would be the perfect opportunity to share a witty note. Sadly, you will have to settle for just a note, but...wait there's more! This post also doubles as an important public service message.

We of Dwarf Hamsters Homeless No More are pursuing the bold goal of establishing dwarf hamster rescue shelters in Portland and Seattle. Real estate costs being what they are right now, however, it's going to be a challenge to find the the appropriate shoe box--er, I mean view lot. So, if you have a few moments to spare, would you like to subscribe to this fine Blog...and lend a helping hand to the aimlessly wandering hamsters in our midst? If you would also like to officially adopt a roving hamster, we can send you a hamster photo and extremely short BIO. It makes the perfect gift!

While the above photo is fortunately not of a homeless dwarf hamster, gaze into its inquisitive eyes. It wants to be known, to be loved, to have a home by the beach with easy beach access, plentiful parking, and amenities--like a maid named Sophia and a butler called Jeeves.  ...Oh, it also wants to burrow into the dirt around tall oaks.  If you come to an understanding of these small creatures, then you really will have to aid them in any way possible. While tossing out your house cat is a good start, can't you do more?

Frequently Asked Questions About Auditing

Many, many of our fine readers have asked questions about the exciting life of the auditor, so here's a sampling of the most popular questions and responses for both Bob and Frank over in Junction City.  (Since your questions were selected, you both win a brand new lint brush and nail-clipper combo gift pack!)

1. What's it like being a tax auditor?

While a stranger's checkbook is an exciting place to be, the job is not all about fast cars and dangerous conspiracies--like you read in the brochures. It also involves a good deal of work with financial thingies.

2. How important are standard accounting principles to the work you do?

This is a popular misconception. The answer is very little. Mostly, one just needs to keep quiet concerning mounting conspiracies aimed at world domination.

3. Have you ever shot anyone?

No, actually I suspect you are thinking of the happy-go-lucky fellows at the IRS. We are encouraged to keep away from anything which might cause ouchies. This is why we no longer carry concealed staplers, which make a formidable weapon, of course. As members in good standing of the Society of Financial Protologists, we strive for only peaceful encounters. We abhor all kinds of violence--espcecially when directed towards us. (The SFP motto is "Further & Deeper".)

4. Rounded to the nearest whole number, how many people have you shot?

Again, you are likely thinking of our friends at the IRS. It is true, however, that I almost embarked upon an exciting law enforcement career many moons ago, but, alas, failed to make the cuts. It was a running track conspiracy, of course. 

5. How often do talking animals show up for audits?

While nothing digs into a suspicious General Ledger quite like a squirrel, sadly we don't see them quite as often as we used to. This is probably due to the proliferation in unlicensed (and concealed) housecats.

6. Do you like it when old food and garbage is clinging to the financial records (kept in a shoebox) under scrutiny?

No, no we do not.  My rule of thumb is that the financial records should not have a strong odor.  If they do, however, essence of lilac is preferred over garlic, cheese, and mysterious hair surprise.

Incident at Cubicle Ridge

A disturbing thing happened the other day. I found myself suddenly becoming interested in a discrepancy that arose within an audit. This disturbed me on multiple levels, so I slowly eased away from my desk. I carefully placed my calculator face down (so it's strange, lidless eyes couldn't follow my movements), straightened my pocket protector, and disappeared under my cubicle to contemplate the situation for a while. Several concerned co-workers stopped by to inquire into how I was doing, but I tried to ignore them. In fact, over the next hour a surprising number of people seemed to mysteriously find their way to my cubicle. (As my cubicle is on the rough side of the copier, most people try to avoid our seedy aisles and crooked bulletin boards.) I finally returned to my chair in order to get all the strangers to go away, but I took care to remain out of my monitor's line of vision. To play it extra safe, I removed the batteries from my calculator before visiting a neighboring cubicle.

After reading my co-worker's e-mails and eating his secret stash of white chocolate, I began to feel better. I thanked him politely, allowing him the use of his chair again, and stood up to leave. Then, I noticed his family photo. I decided that the framed photo of attractive family members might do my spirits good, so I took it. He fussed a lot about that, but finally calmed down--once the tranqulizers placed in his latte had taken effect, I guess. Before too long, I was able to return to my auditing with a clear mind. In fact, I couldn't even remember who or what I was auditing. Discrepancy? No, I couldn't even find it again. It's amazing what just a little socializing can accomplish in the daily life of the auditor.  After all, one can't forget that auditing is really about people.  Well, not really.

The Restless Auditor Returns

 

Who am I, and why am I here?

It was with great shock that I realized this morning that there was nothing funny on the internet.  It had all vanished overnight.  (Either that, or maybe my monitor died.)  That being the case, I decided it was my duty as a fearless number cruncher to do what I could to address this problem.  This blog is all I could create in half an hour, so this will have to do.  Please bear with me as I pursue this important cause.  


Also, bear in mind that significant expenses mount daily.  (Have you seen Starbucks prices lately, and what about that whole Netflix thing?)  Your continued contributions help to defray the overhead and go towards the important goal of beachfront real estate on the north Oregon Coast.  Good night for now!