Spending Day Locked in Restroom Makes one Thankful...

...for not still being locked in said basement restroom.  If you've followed my exciting "Tweets" today, then you know about this whole affair.  I want to clarify a few fine points on the day's excitement. 


While it is true that I did in fact have the key in my pocket the entire time, I want you to know that I never actually knew this until the very end of my time in the restroom (around eight-hours).  Fortunately, my emotions didn't run away with me--except for a few brief occasions, which we'll pass over and detour around.  In fact, as an avid watcher of the Discovery Channel, I knew pretty much exactly what to do in this high stress situation.


First, I tried to contact the outside world--namely Frank.  Being unsuccessful at reaching Frank upstairs, and since the landscapers directly below the window ignored me completely, I occupied myself trying to fix the leaking sink.  While this endeavor wasn't entirely successful, I did learn how NOT to obtain drinking water from the toilet.  Apparently, drinking directly from the toilet bowl is bad.  Stomach hurts now, and I have strange feeling that something is growing inside me--like in Alien(s) starring Sigourney Tapestry.


Anyway, I wanted to let everyone know I am okay--if you call standing alone in the parking lot in my pajamas throwing up into oddly-familiar BMW "okay."  Everything's fine here, so just move along.  (This isn't the blog you're looking for.)  


As soon as I find pants, plan to go get some barbecue.  Nothing settles an upset stomach like authentic barbecue.  Talk to you again soon!

New Workplace Training: USING THE MICROWAVE 101

As the smoke swirled around the office today, I decided to unveil a new and exciting workplace training program--specifically tailored for your office!

Let's face it, next to e-mail, what's the hardest workplace technology to readily understand?  That's right!  Clearly, it's the microwave.  While it's been around for years, most people when followed and interrogated at length under bright lights, seemed to imply or suggest that microwaves represented new and daunting technology.

USING THE MICROWAVE 101 comes to your office with safe, 1st generation microwaves (in use now for many years without any proven or litigated problems).  So say goodbye to that burning popcorn smell once and for all and give the Continuing Education Department of the Restless Auditor a call right away!


PS.  As you can guess from this blog's visual effects, we spare no presentation expense.  In fact, we utilize state-of-the-art whiteboard and pretty dry erase markers--and convenient handout floppy disks in Wordperfect /Windows 3.1 format!

Late Night Stalker Swim in the Koi Pond & Cat Tossing

To: Mr. Bubbason's Secretary ("Sylvia"),


I was deeply offended to recently be accused of stalking Mr. Bubbason, current President of the Society of Financial Proctologists--and new guest star from CSI SUV ASAP at the AARP.  The accusation made me so furious that I stormed over to his koi pond late that night.  I just needed to get away from all the voices in my brain.

Much to my disappointment, however, the voices followed me to the koi pond.  I was further much annoyed to find the Prius back in the water, but the fish did seem to be enjoying it.  After watching the bedroom window for a while and thinking about the unfairness of the whole stalker label, I decided to call it a day.  Sadly, my clothes were missing.  This put me in a rather "awkward" position--actually several awkward positions.  

Fortunately, I remembered my stash of clothes in the upper branches of your poplar.  It proved difficult, however, to climb the poplar in my wet condition.  When your cat wandered by, I remembered cat tossing!  After making friends with the apprehensive feline, I attached some string to her and tossed her up into the poplar.  I hit my clothes pile with the first cat toss!  The cat was not keen on returning to the ground, but eventually pulling the string brought the cat and clothes falling out of the tree.


That's when the cat ouchie took place.  The cut was small, but, I was so angry with the cat that I placed her back in the Prius.  (She doesn't like the water much.)  Returning to my clothes pile beneath the poplar, I found a raccoon starting to wander off with said clothing.  By throwing one of your old vases from the Chinese garden, I was able to ward it off.  I think it headed to your dog door.  (The raccoon--not the vase.)


Soon, I was back in my house.  Except, then I realized where I had left my clothes...and my key: the Prius.  So...if you could please return my keys and clothes in the back seat of the submerged Prius, it would be appreciated.  If you don't know where the car is, just ask your cat!  


Again, please leave your sprinklers off (and retire to bed early) on Tuesday!  


By the way...did you know that owning your own special part of the Restless Auditor is now within your/my grasp?  You may either select my hair or the official RA Mug!  (I suggest my hair.  The pile is quickly growing!)

Restless Auditor's Top 10 Posts of All Time!

Since I'm procrastinating a really serious project, I thought this was a perfect time for the Top Ten List.  These are the ten most popular posts of all time--well, since the Restless Auditor became your close and personal friend.  (I love talking about myself in the third person!)  


So, here we goes.  Follow me and don't look back!  (By the way, I began with the most popular, because I don't like building up to things--too much tension and anticipation.)


I do apologize, but neither Stephen Colbert nor Jerry Seinfeld responded with any comment concerning tonight's post.  Briefly, I thought  Rainn Wilson was going to say something, but, no.  Then, for a shining moment, I was fairly sure John Hodgman might offer a word, but he also...  Ahem...  Anyway, here it is.




1.  Society of Financial Proctologists, a Koi Pond, Colbert, and a Duck  


2.  Sorry About the Prius in the Koi Pond (& Colbert Thingy)

3.  Thanks for the Apology, StumbleUpon

4.  Breaking Update on Koi Pond Saga...and Digression on Men in Tights 

5.  Jerry Seinfeld Coming to ABC's "The River" (New Comedy)? + **BONUS** Krispy Kudos for Microsoft 


6.  The Mystery of Mr. Bubbason's Transposed BMW

7.  Almost Jury Duty Time!  (a personal favorite, except on Tuesdays)


8.  Breaking Financial News!!! + Personal Austerity Plan for Prosperity


9.  Important Christmas Safety & Security Tips

.....and now for the #10 blog posting.

10.  Auditors Unite in Fury & Occupy the "Oregonian" is Born...




I hope you have enjoyed tonight's special episode of the Restless Auditor!

Exciting Lawn Care Internship Opportunity!

It's not every day that the Restless Auditor announces internship openings, so I imagine my readers will be shocked to hear that...times they are a changing.  


While we can't offer any form of remuneration or pecuniary benefit with regards to said opportunity, it's still a fantastic resume-building experience for the right candidate.


Bear in mind that this job won't actually be inside the office (or even at the business location per se), but it does afford the fabulous opportunity to work in the great outdoors!  In short, we need someone to mow acres of lawn, care for two llamas, and individually walk five Greyhounds daily.  For your sheer convenience, we'll pamper you with an old fashioned push reel lawn mower!  (Sometimes, the blades are even sharp.)


While you must provide your own transportation far into the western Oregon wilderness, this internship will afford you unique resume experience!  Remember, we have no intention of paying you, but is that so different from many new companies?  We're just honest about it.  No pay.  No benefits.   Hard work, lots of blood, sweat, and blood, and long hours, but a darn good title: Groundskeeper and Lawn Specialist with Emphases on Cutting.  Really, can you beat that?

REQUIREMENTS and fine print

The intern selected for this position will be working with Devlin Hardy, arguably the crankiest landscaper west of west Salem.   He hates me, he hates his job, and, rest assuredly, he'll hate you like there's no tomorrow.  But that's okay.  Usually, Devlin will wander off into the woods carrying sharp cutting tools.  You won't see him for hours.  Just look the other way and go on with your work.  Whatever you do, don't follow him--or even mention the "IRS."  If you should happen to mention the "United Nations" accidentally, it's best just to run for the road.  Don't look back!

Please note there is no cell service, no utilities, and you must live on site.  In fact, attempting to leave the site will result in your swift termination.  

Interested?  Great!  Just answer this simple problem below and we'll be in touch.  Thanks--and good luck!

The Question:

In one-hundred words, or less, please contrast the field of accounting with the meaning of life, then apply what you've learned to the fields of molecular biology and astrophysics.   

Jerry Seinfeld Coming to ABC’s “The River” (New Comedy)? + **BONUS** Krispy Kudos for Microsoft!

Sometimes it's nice to laugh.  Happened to watch the premier of last night's new comedy, “The River," which appeared on ABC.  It was a lot funnier than Lost.  The jerking camera movements made me sick, but that was okay, because the cat was sitting right there.  She needed a bath anyway.  The characters were silly, too!  At one point, there was a completely unexplained change in the opposing opinions held by two main characters.  There was no substantive background or explanation shared with the audience, reminding me of Frank's attempt at a screenplay.  

Except, thankfully, ABC never intended for this to be a suspenseful action thriller, but clearly created this as a comedy, satire in its most refined and rarefied form.  From the silly "Amazon River" shots that reminded me of the little creek in my neighborhood, cliches galore, inconsistent and halfhearted characterization, and silly jumping camera moves that reminded me of Frank trying to film his own birth, this was splendid satire all the way!  Not one moment of the out-of-focus and jerking moving picture actually resembled the intended genre.  Great job, ABC!  I look forward to future comedic episodes.  Is it true Jerry Seinfeld will be making a guest appearance later in the season as the evil Dr. Glock?

Now, on to Microsoft...  Lately, I've had far too much free time on my hands.  Leave it to Microsoft to address this in a unique and puzzling way!  In the tradition of "Fatal Error," "Catastrophic Error," or the ever-popular “Unknown Error” messages, Microsoft has unveiled something new to eat away at that abundance of uncomfortable free time, freeing us from the risk of introspection and book-learnin’.  As a Microsoft customer for years, I never expected to be told that I had to manually move all my e-mails and re-build websites just in order to stay a customer!  It's like I'm being penalized! Wow, Microsoft Rocks!  I get to spend hours and hours manually transferring data from Office Live to  Microsoft’s Office 365, instead of them actually designing something that seamlessly performs the way one might expect and “hope” the first time....kinda like an iMac, which I avoid because of their predictable ease of use out-of-the-box.  

Gotta go!  New Microsoft error message to keep me free of free time.  

Breaking Update on Koi Pond Saga...and Digression on Men in Tights

As I was pawing through Mr. Bubbason's garbage late the other night, I realized that some of my many, many readers may have become confused in the complex koi pond saga.  My first inclination was to laugh gleefully, but then I realized that confused readers might be less likely to purchase official Restless Auditor merchandise, and this made me very sad.

I put down the banana peel covered in coffee grounds and decided to do a short summary of this unfolding saga of accounting excitement.  Not to turn off my readers, but I decided to also employ "links" to where more information can be absorbed or gleaned--depending on time of day.

I first conveyed my questionable membership status within the Society of Financial Proctologists here ("link").  I did my best to focus on the concerns of daily life, but I found myself continually haunted by this serious membership concern--not to mention my entire 4th grade class who have taken up residence within my brain, their voices constantly calling upon me to do good and constructive things, but (no worries) I try to ignore their little high-pitched voices.

Being an emotionally-sensitive auditor, this situation quickly got under my skin.  I tried to make amends here, issuing a gentle and profoundly-touching apology.  Sadly, this failed to resolve the problem.  After my apology was so rudely disregarded, it's true there may have been some mischievous actions undertaken involving a koi pond and a duck, but, if I did them at all, I am entirely innocent--because I wish to be.  I am, after all, completely persuaded of my innocence and lack of culpability in all things--including the great Seattle fire of 1851.

That's about it.  As I sorted though Mr. Bubbason's garbage can under the stars in that gated community, I was struck by my innocence in all of this hubabaloo.  After all, I am such a nice guy.  It puzzles me that people (Mr. Bubbason reportedly being one) could be upset with certain things I've "done" or "said."  How, for example, do they know it was my true self?  It could have been on of my impostors.

Oh, yes, there are reportedly going to be big men tackling each other today on television.  No, I'm not talking about a San Francisco parade, but a real current event thingy.  For the record, I am not really in to all this stuff.  In fact, I will disclose that I roomed with three football players a long, long time ago...and they're not as sweetly-sensitive people as you might imagine.  They are also very large, which makes me nervous.  No, I will instead be watching the Tax Channel today. I encourage you to do the same.

It looks like I must leave now in order to help frank wax his unibrow, as I just received the emergency page. (Auditors have a high regard for fashion.)   Until next time, my 1040 friends.

PS.  I never knew koi tasted so delicious with a little breading.  Doesn't taste like chicken, though.

Thanks for the Apology, StumbleUpon!

Thanks for the note, Garrett.  Have your people call my people, and we'll have their people get together with our people!

StumbleUpon StumbleUpon @restlessauditor We're so sorry it took us days and days to appropriately respond to your simple question.  It's really sad that you had to send the question to us over and over, and that the first person who tried to respond apparently was unable to write in complete sentences.  It's easy to use copy/paste too much, isn't it?  I'll emphasize that issue with HR.   Need to concentrate more on recruiting techies who are actually literate....  We're trying to motivate her to perform better, but she has some addiction-related issues.  Guess it's time to give her the Stumble boot--if you know what I mean.  I wanted to take a moment to completely agree with your insightful assessment of this little situation.  Your blog was receiving way too many visits from the USA, the British Isles, and Australia.  It was also mysteriously popular in non-English speaking countries, which is kind of cool.  Of course, your blog is pretty amazing actually.  The humor blew me away--a lot better than some of the "promoted" stuff we have on here.  <wink>  <wink> Anywho, (need to keep this tweet short and to the point) we blocked your blog.  The competition of your blog's fantastic content was causing problems, you see, with our paying customers.  I will, however, consider reinstating your blog if you send me a Starbuck's Gift Card or maybe a few cds of some good music...how about Big Maceo Merriweather?  Just send me something interesting, and we'll remove the block! You're one awesome dude, man!  Great tax advice, too.  Had no inkling that kind of accounting strategy was actually legal...but we'll have to discuss that more some other time.  This tweet is gettin' kind of long. You take care, Restless Auditor! Garrett Camp  CEO/founder StumbleUpon Feb 03, 9:27 AM via HootSuite

New Office Digs!

My boss says I do such fine work that it's high time for me to move to my brand new office in the basement!  It's a lot closer to the restrooms, so I'm fine with this change.  Too much sunlight, though.  Must install blackout curtains and 70s wallpaper.  Maybe a disco light?  In fact...why not just a whole little disco?  The sky's the limit, but I would like to know why there's a wet spot there on the carpet.  Smells funny--but not in a good way.  Oh, well...  I'll just put guest seating over there.